Becoming Her bitch

Sometimes during play (although the splitting hairs side of me hates to call it that, because the word doesn't do it justice) things happen between Mistress and I that are just...indescribable. Too powerful, maybe even too personal for words.

In the interest of making my Mistress smile upon reading this, I am going to try.

Last weekend started out as, quite frankly, a bit of a disappointment. We went to Fetish Circuit that Saturday night more out of obligation rather than a desire to go. Neither Mistress or myself cares much for the club scene, where there are too many people, too much noise, and very little actual play going on. :P

So we get to Sunday without really having done anything or had much time together. I was decidedly UN-glamourous that day, not really feminized at all, no makeup, not even bodyshaved. A pink tshirt and matching panties was all I had on, the proper attire for a lazy day with Mistress.

And it was a pretty lazy day, almost vanilla even. But as the evening went on, and as I rubbed her feet and legs with lotion, Mistress decides she wants to use me and takes me back to the bedroom.

She has me crawl in bed beside her to pleasure her breasts with my mouth, has me rub my nipples against hers--just as if I was her girlfriend. At this point I'm aching to please her, be used by her, to do anything at all in the world for her. And she knows it.

"I want to fuck you, sissy slave,." She growls. And I know without even being told that she doesn't mean using my cockette at all.

I lie there on my back, watching her put the strap-on dildo on, feeling this...deep feeling of surrender course through my body. That this is my fate, and I should accept it, surrender to it. I am her fucktoy and plaything, and if it should please her to use me as a girl then I will be her girl, now and forever.

She tells me to stay on my back, has me pull down my panties, spread my legs wide and in the air...omg...she's really going to fuck me like a girl! We've never done this before.

She teases me, rubs the larger strap-on against my smaller cockette as if mocking it, reenforcing the fact that I am not a man anymore (in the usual sense of it) and that i will never experience 'normal' sex as a man ever again. She lubes up and enters me without much difficulty at all...ohhhhh goddd.....

And it feels amazing. To be taken by Mistress, I felt swept away in the feelings of submission and...a kind of deep mental feminization, and the incredible physical sensation of her fucking me, my cockette rubbing between us.

I melted under the physical and mental feelings, I wanted nothing more than to be fucked like that by her forever. If she had demanded it I would have agreed with all my body, heart and soul to surrender my cockette to permanent chastity in exchange to only having my sexual pleasure given at the end of her dildo. I felt myself wanting to cum...cum from being fucked in the ass! And it took effort not to let myself go when all I wanted was to just give into the sheer animal inside me, and cum all over the place. I wanted her to rape me...and moved my wrists underneath her hands for her to hold down..

Oh my...

It was beautiful.

I have been daydreaming of it all week. When we were finished, my legs were all rubbery and trembling. It was one of the most intense submissive experiences I had ever had and I ache so badly for more.

And oh god I want more. I want Mistress to take me down the road to deeper submission, enslave me, feminize me, push my limits of pain & humiliation for her pleasure, to kneel at her feet and surrender my body, heart & soul to her.

So....*blushes* that's what today's picture post is all about...its not from the evening I've been describing (Its from the night Mistress and I made the "Blonde Sissy beauty gets FUCKED!" video) but it definitely gives a sense of the...intensity of it.

I am Her bitch, and its all I ever want to be.

Submission: its not always easy

I'm fully aware, believe me, of how fortunate I am to be the collared sissy slave to Mistress Erisiana Cherie. I live a life that sometimes resembles a porn movie, or a piece of sissy fiction. I serve (occasionally) her husband; am toyed with and teased by his submissive girl; attend rather naughty play parties and go to dungeons and clubs. I've had experiences I never, ever in my wildest dreams that I thought would ever come true.

But submission is not always like a porn movie. Sometimes its hard, difficult, frustrating (in the bad sense). Sometimes there are arguments, misunderstandings. Sometimes real life just gets in the way.

I find myself slightly suspicious when I see blog/forum entries that's basically describe a 24/7 porn movie BDSM lifestyle where everyone seems to be in everyone else's pants all the time. No one seems to have job or child responsibilities, or ever seems get tired, ill, or just not in the mood.

Kind of like how you almost never see characters on tv or movies go to the bathroom. :P

And yet, I myself have a life that others may disbelieve as well. Which I really wouldn't blame them--sometimes I don't believe it myself!

But there are times *I* am 'not in the mood', emotionally or physically. And at times like this...submission is hard. I'm not in the headspace I should be in, I'm not serving my Mistress as well as I could, as well as she deserves.

Such a time happened just the other night.

I was out of town, on business, all alone in a cheap hotel without even a working tv set. I don't want to say what I do for a living, but just know that its on the very low end of a blue collar job, it doesn't pay the greatest, the hours are long and physically demanding. It sometimes involves getting up long before dawn to drive a hundred miles away or more, working a long tiring day, driving back to catch a few hours sleep before doing it all over again.

Mistress knows this, and understands this. She is so loving and generous in heart and patience. But sometimes she makes a point of establishing her control of me when she knows it isn't easy for me. Indeed, that's more than likely why she does it. But knowing that doesn't exactly make it easy at the time.

So I was out of town, kind of worn out from the day. I had thought about having a relaxing swim in the hotel pool, then doing a bit of reading before calling it a night. I was missing Mistress...I always miss her during my workweeks, and being so far out of town only made it worse. I wrote her a email on my phone, then stripped naked and took a photo of myself, kneeling and kissing my necklace-collar to send to her as a surprise, because I knew she was missing me as well.

She enjoyed the photo and appreciated the gesture. A little too much, because it was then an evil little lightbulb went off in her head and she decided on the spot to do some long distance training via text messages.

Its here that I might lose some of you reading this, particularly unattached submissives who might think me crazy or ungrateful for not fully appreciating Mistress taking the time to toy with me. All I can say is that this is real life, its a real relationship, and I think its unrealistic if not impossible to expect two people in that relationship to be always raring to go, 24/7.

Mistress ordered me to look through the phone book for any adult stores or adult theaters in the area. "Oh God," I thought. "Please Mistress, no..I am so tired and I don't like where this is going..please don't send me out to some strange porn store to do God-knows-what when I'm out here on company business. Suppose I'm caught? Suppose I'm fired?"

All the raced through my mind but I obeyed, on my knees in the hotel room going through the phone book, wearing only my pink panties and a towel that she had me wrap around my chest--like a woman might to cover her breasts after a shower.

She had me edge twice while looking for listings, to 'put your mind in the proper place'.

I was more than a bit relieved to tell her, truthfully, that there were no adult listings. Apparently that part of central Florida is in the ultra-religious anti-adult-anything part of the state, where consenting adults making perfectly legal adult movies of themselves can be arrested by police with apparently nothing better else to do.

NOT the best place in the world to be going out and doing naughty stuff to begin with, let alone when one is there on business! :P

Mistress seemed to accept this, although via the internet, she did find some adult strip club 50 miles away from me. No please no. She then asked if there was a Walgreens or something near me. Yes Mistress, I admitted, (not liking where this was going either), there is a Walgreens near me.

"Then, my little chickenshit sissy, BEG ME to be allowed to go buy some sissy supplies--some lipgloss, pantyhose, condoms & lube--INSTEAD of being forced to go to a porn store to expose yourself like the sissy you really are!"

I cringed. I didn't like this idea either. In fact, while safer for me it would also be more embarrassing--being outted as a perv out and about among vanilla people.

I knew I would have no choice but to obey. The hour was growing later and later...it was already too late for a swim; I knew I would have to get to bed early to get up the next day, the longer I resisted the inevitable or tried to beg my way out of it the longer it would take. I felt her will break me down, felt that evil smile on her face.

Yes Mistress.

I dressed quickly, my mind all abuzz with conflicting thoughts and feelings--arousal at her dominance and humiliation of me, annoyance, aggravation, and even a flash of anger at her horrible (in my opinion at the time) sense of timing--fucking with me a hundred miles away when I knew that she knew I was so tired and not wanting to play.

I got to the store, it was just a minute or two away. texted her that I was about to be outted as a pervert for her amusement, then went in.

I was so nervous and jittery...I *really* do not like public exposure at all, and I knew, damnit, that this would only attract MORE attention to myself. I furtively darted aisle to aisle in the cosmetics section. A woman employee WOULD be organizing the lipstick section at that moment, of course. :P Just my luck.

I agonized over what to do for several minutes...I couldn't tell what was lipgloss and what was lipstick from the next aisle over, and its not like I have a whole lot of experience shopping in the makeup section to start with.

I lucked out, as behind me in a whole section on its on was some Burt's Bees lipgloss. (Although I'm not sure if it counted, as it seems to be more of a lip BALM) Ignorance is bliss and a reasonable defense, I decided, and grabbed the tube of lip-something and continued my quest to embarrass myself.

I was angry by this point and more than a little rebellious. Despite my pleas, Mistress would not help me by telling me where to find lipgloss, what size of pantyhose to get. I was NOT going to buy lube, I decided. I grabbed lubed condoms instead. Two birds with one stone.

The pantyhose. Ah hell.

A quick peek around the corner told me that the woman employee was kind of involved in what she was doing down the aisle by the lipsticks: I *should* be safe enough to dash forward and grab a box of pantyhose without attracting too much attention. What size? What color? ARRRGH.....

Fuck it. I darted forward and grabbed the first box I saw that said 4X. I wasn't sure if it would fit (it was a bit tight later) but I'm not about to be caught browsing different pairs of pantyhose.

Now the checkout line. 'Damn you', I messaged to my gleeful Mistress.

I got through the line, cute perky checkout girl and all, and with a 'Have a good night Sir!' ringing in my ears I was out the door!

And a nervous wreck by this point. :P

Nervous and fuming with anger, I managed to drive PAST my hotel and had to do a u-turn and then another u-turn on the divided road to get back, half-convinced I would get in some sort of accident at the way my luck was going.

I make it back to my room and tell her that I have succeeded, Oh Vile One.

She has me strip and put the pantyhose and lipgloss on, then has me kneel on my bed and suck on the end of my hairbrush as if it were a real cock.

*bright blush* Ok, I admit it, the anger had faded by this point. I had fallen into her spell as she KNEW I would. I was turned on and ready to obey, wanting to please her.

Eventually she had me rip the pantyhose apart, front and back, and fuck my ass with the brush while humping the bed until I came in my panties. I used a lubed condom on the brush and thrust it in and out a little bit, not exactly enthusiastically.

And when it was done I was finally given permission to go to bed, spending the night in my soiled panties.

The point of all of this rambling--other than to hopefully entertain and amuse Mistress when she reads this--is really just to illustrate real-life submission as opposed to porno movie submission. Its not always easy, and can be aggravating at times when it conflicts with real life demands. It can, and has been, emotionally painful on occasion (which I doubt I will ever talk about here).

I'm pretty sure she KNEW I wasn't in the mood, could tell my resistance a hundred miles away. She can read me like a book, from the workings of my crazed neurotic little mind to the depths of my heart.

She knew I would obey her in spite of it all. That's why she did it, to let me feel owned by her, to feel her foot on the back of my neck from the other side of the state.

And I love her for it.

She knew that as well.

Damn her. *soft smile*

Revelations in subspace, or, "How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Being a Pornslut"

First, the backstory:

Its been an intense week in my submissive life.

On Sunday I was used. Really used. Used like a submissive like me dreams of: I was repeatedly, roughly, and aggressively used and fucked by Mistress in *every* possible way and was not allowed to cum at all. Which didn't even matter to me, really. Physical frustration ebbs and fades away once the teasing and arousal stops and becomes more manageable. But the joy of pleasing my Mistress over and over again? The wonderful submissive feelings of being helpless before Her, and put in my place?

That's what its all about. My God, She was so beautiful...so fierce and aggressive. A true Goddess in every sense of the word. Takes my breath away.

So...that was the start of my week...then I had a few unpleasant workdays, back in the so-called 'real world'. I was relaxing on the couch after such a workday on Wed night when Mistress and shygirl (Mistress's husband's subbie girl, for those of you who do not follow our blog and may be confused by all the polyamorous twists & turns :p) unexpectedly come through the door to surprise me!

In no short order I was told I was going to be used by both of them that night (!) and, in shygirl's exact words, "Just let it happen!". I was told to strip down to my panties and put something sexy on. I chose a sexy teal satin nightie and joined them in our 'studio' room. There Mistress directed shy to sit on my face for a little while before both of them put strapon dildos on, sandwiching me between them at first, but before long Mistress just sat back and directed shy as she fucked me, eventually coming to an apparently powerful orgasm (her first orgasm ever while fucking someone with a strapon!), grinding into me and smacking my ass as she came.

Then Mistress took HER turn. With the larger dildo!

I should also mention at this point that Mistress filmed all of this...she does this for a number of hot scenes in our lives--its not just for business, however. Its also an ongoing record of my submission to her. And it does add spice....sometimes (more on this later).

Of course, I was *still* not permitted to cum. :P

So then we get to last night (Fri), the point of all of this sexy rambling (and no its NOT just 'wank fodder' you would-be Fetlife forum troll/overzealous anal retentive moderator-type person, if persons of such type be reading this...)

(doubtful, those kind of people usually just skim a little before making some sort of quick narrow minded judgement or snarky comment and don't really READ anything :P)

I digress: I've just become very jaded & cynical about forum/blog behavior these days.

Anyway, back to last night: Mistress feminizes me--the whole 9 yards this time, something we don't do that often in our everyday lives due to time constraints and such. It DOES make it more special when she does it as a result.

She administered an enema (*blush*) and had me bodyshave, then pick my own outfit for the evening "as if you were dressing to please your BOY-friend" she teased. I picked a pink satin nightie, a cute pair of matching panties, thigh high white stockings and my heels. Mistress then did my makeup and put me in my blonde wig.

Each step of this process I'm drifting off into subspace...my psyche (for reasons I'll delve into some other time) equates feminization with being kept prisoner. Therefore its bondage to me. The more involved, the more helpless and kept and submissive I feel.

So I'm already getting deep into subspace before she does anything with me...I'm begging her to be allowed to please her, in any way she wishes.

I'm begging to be put on video for her.

No, this isn't topping from the bottom or begging for something I want for my own sake, even if (as I said earlier) it does add some sexy spice. I'm embarrassed by my photos and videos, and don't think I'm all that attractive in either my male or feminine personas.

I'm begging for it because I know deep down in my heart that this is what will please Mistress the most.

After 2 1/2 years of being this wonderful Woman's slave, and loving her with all of my heart, I've come to read her moods. Try to predict her needs, as best I can, and last night I knew Mistress was feeling the driving need to work. She is a Professional as well as a Lifestyle Mistress, and this IS her work. Its summertime, and thus with no school she's on full time mommy duty and I know the frustrations of not being able to work eats away at her inside. That pressure is increased by the never-ending money worries that are ever present for those of us who are just barely keeping our heads above water.

She needed to work and me, deep in subspace, I read that need and wanted to satisfy it. I felt a deep...giving of myself in the offer, to be filmed and humiliated and frustrated. I felt a pure sense of purpose, and the sheer desire in my heart and soul to please this Woman, my Mistress, my Goddess--was overwhelming, outweighing my personal needs and feelings and frustrations.

And I'll let you now in on a little secret about making porn...its not all fun and games. Sometimes--like the night Mistress spontaneously filmed her and shy taking turns on me with strapons--the camera is a natural part of the scene, and does not distract from the headspaces Mistress and I are in. It feels natural, organic, even erotic--it becomes a tool of humiliation for Mistress to use, just another sexy weapon in her arsenal to use.

Sometimes the camera--and all of the fucking around with the camera, trying to get angles, trying to get everything in the frame, messing around with the lights, sometimes the camera SERIOUSLY detracts from the scene. And in the past sometimes I'd get more than a little frustrated (in the bad sense) at all of the distractions, especially if Mistress was feeling frustrated (also in the bad sense) juggling being an erotic filmmaker and my Mistress at the same time. I'd obey, of course--its not like I can say no, can I?--but I'd come away from the scene feeling a little peevish sometimes.

But last night, deep in subspace, I felt something click in my mind and I came to a revelation, an epiphany of sorts. Something you and others reading this may think should have been obvious all along but in my head I had never really made
the connection:

That being, "Dumb-ass, this isn't all about YOU."

I mean, I'm not an idiot. I'm not a 'top from the bottom' or a 'do-me' kind of so-called submissive at all. I have always wanted to serve and please my dominant, I've been active and kinky for years before ever meeting Mistress, and have found deep satisfaction and even joy in serving...the giving of myself, out of love and obedience.

But when it came to Mistress's pornmaking--I couldn't see the forest for the trees. When she would get frustrated with the camera or something and stopping in the middle of doing something sexy with me--strapons, facesitting, whatever it was we were doing at the time--the ACT itself we were doing at the time was NOT what I as her slave was truly doing as an act of obedience, the truly obedient thing to do--the giving of myself was to recognize and satisfy Mistress's REAL NEED--her need for a smooth shoot.

IE, if Mistress is filming me licking her pussy for the camera, her need ISN'T actually having her pussy licked at all. Her need is for me to perform for the camera, and, more importantly, to soothe jangled nerves and frustrations and keep her 'in the moment'.

Me, being somewhat of an idiot and highly distracted by said pussy in question would confuse my real duties as her slave and be annoyed that the camera stuff was intruding upon my oral service, or whatever I was doing at the time.

Obvious, no? Perhaps it should have been. But it was a revelation to me all the same, and a testament to how far I've come, how much I've grown as a submissive to better serve Mistress's needs--both the said and unsaid ones.

The connection burned itself into my head--that I must learn, am learning to recognize Mistress's needs & motivations.

To truly serve Her.

What's in it for me..

cuckhumiliation asked: I want to say first that you're pretty much amazing, but I do also have a question
What's on it for you when you use a dildo on a man's ass? Just curious.


Aww, thanks. :)

That’s a fun question! There’s a lot to it. I love the idea of having a nerve-rich appendage that’s basically one big erogenous zone which I can stick into people’s various orifices. In plain English - I really get off on the idea of having a penis. And when I strap one on I truly can almost feel it; like a sexual version of the missing limb amputees sometimes feel.

There’s a directly physical effect as well: the base of a strap-on presses against my pussy mound, lips & clit in a VERY nice way as I’m fucking someone with it. I’ve been rubbing against things to get off since I first started masturbating; it makes sense that I would enjoy this. It’s enough to make me cum sometimes & gets me really hot all the time!

There’s a more complicated psychological aspect to it as well. It ties in with my own gender-oddity and my rape fantasy fetish. And THAT is something which I’m sure I’ll say more about in the future, but I’m not ready to sum up in a few sentences now. ;)

And of course there’s the sheer predatory glee of reaming the ass of some little boyslut who’s totally, wantonly desperate to get FUCKED.

Mmmm. ;D

Being a Keyholder

This key-on-a-chain thing looks SO FUCKING HOT. Every time I look at it I get all excited, thinking about what it represents, even when he’s not wearing the chastity device! I’m actually surprised by how much I’m getting off on this. I thought it would be just another toy. It’s not like I ever felt the need of such a thing to control his masturbation, or his orgasms. Its just such a…rush…to think of having him CAGED, all the time, in a way he can FEEL. And the fear(anticipation?) in his eyes when he looks at me and sees how much I’m enjoying it…and knows he’s going to get exactly what he’s always fantasized about.

Whether he likes it or not.

Tia's first time in chastity

I locked his first chastity device onto my slave Tia the other week. Perhaps surprisingly, this was also my first time using a chastity device.

Unsurprisingly there were lots of details that weren’t mentioned in any of the ‘advice for newbies’ resources I studied beforehand.

I have learned, for instance, that once locked on the device clanks when he walks. Which could provide for some interesting humiliation opportunities in the future. (And another helpful soul has already recommended rubber bands for when the clanking is unwanted.)

I’ve also learned that, as with SO many things, it wasn’t possible to do it all at once. It took three days of trying at various times and in the end we just barely got it on with the assistance of ice water, gobs of lube, AND him having had an orgasm directly beforehand. Apparently the caging is such a turn-on for my sissy slut that his normally petite organ simply won’t stop swelling up and interfering with the process. And after all that awkward fumbling he only had it on for about half an hour before he got a nasty pinch on his scrotum from a bit of skin getting stuck between two pieces of the cage. :p

I expect we’ll get better at getting the dang thing on with practice. But I also expect it’ll continue to be tricky. Tia’s scrotum is exceptionally small, his balls held very close to his body, and I think the standard cock-cage design may always be an issue. Unless, of course, we undertake a program of ball-stretching; an activity I never had an interest in before this morning, and which is now right at the top of my to-do list. *wickedgrin*

Humiliation - why's & wherefores

Recently--before a overzealous Fetlife forum nazi closed it down an actual interesting conversation was starting about why humiliation is such a turn on for some submissives.

I'm only speaking for myself here--other submissives may feel the same way, or they may be wired completely different. I'm not into pain--given the choice between getting a severe flogging and curling up on a comfy couch and eating BBQ, BBQ and comfy couch win 10 times out of 10.

I don't seek pain out. It hurts. :P Its the body's way of saying "STOP DOING THAT!".

It has a tendency to turn me personally into Jerry Lewis. "LA-DY! Enough with the ouchy hitty thing!"

But it IS part of the job description, I feel, of being a submissive or a slave. If the Dominant chooses to administer pain for punishment, or for the Dominant's own enjoyment all is well and good. I can't seem to be able to talk Mistress into a 'BBQ and comfy couch' punishment for some odd reason. ;D

Humiliation....well, oddly enough...I don't seek it out either...its NOT the act that Mistress is doing that is putting me into subspace. For example, not too long ago she administered an enema to me. In the hallway. In our house with thin walls with my roommate in the next room over who could probably hear everything.

And Mistress being Mistress, she puts it ON CAMERA. :P

Its NOT the act itself that trips my triggers. I didn't want it, I don't even have an enema fetish at all. What put me into subspace and wrapped me all the tighter around Mistress's little finger was knowing deep down in my heart that I had no choice in the matter at all. That no matter how embarrassed I was or unwilling, it was going to happen anyway. That delicious feeling of being so helpless, so deep in Her power that there was no choice but to obey....oh my...that is what makes me squirm in ecstasy, that giving of myself to her.

It reinforces her ownership of me...and its so beautiful...

softsmile

Anyway...that's what I as a submissive get out of it, for those looking for perspective..