'Porn' From the Stone Age, or 'A Young Perv Awakens'

These kids today...ai yi yi, they have it made... *old man voice*

I remember way back when I was a preteen/teenager, wayyy back before this newfangled 'internet' thing made it possible for you to find every variety of smut and porn under the sun, I had to figure out my developing sexuality and get my thrills on my own. No internet, too young to go to adult stores, what's a budding young perv to do?

Obviously as a responsible adult I don't condone underagers looking at porn and if by chance any of you reading these words ARE underage LOG OFF immediately and, I dunno, go watch something wholesome, damnit!

Like watch videos on MTV. Lady Gaga or Rhianna or something. :P

So, anyway...I was young, it was the early 80's, I had all of these urges and thoughts fermenting in my head, what was I to do?

One avenue was stolen porn magazines, or getting into my friend's dad's porn mag stash. He had all kinds of vanilla stuff. Hustlers and some XXX movie mags mostly. Nice to look at really but nothing really memorable. No, the real find for me was the 'letters' style of magazine. Big thick volumes of letters written by so-called 'real readers' that you instinctively knew were bullshit but that didn't matter really. "You wouldn't believe it, but I picked up these hitchhiking Swedish twins in my van and...." That kind of thing.

Many of these magazines were divided up into sections based on an activity or kink. They seemed to have something for everyone, from voyeurism to swinging to interracial encounters to you-name-it. Every couple of pages would be a kind of hot grainy B&W photo that only, with a bit of imagination, tied into the activity that group of letters happened to be about.

I was...mesmerized..by the Femdom section. I'd read the letters over and over again, imagining the action, putting myself in the place of the hapless submissive male who was being overpowered, blackmailed, put into bondage and feminized into permanent captivity to a beautiful Dominant Woman who would keep him her slave and playtoy forever..

To me, it wasn't like I made a conscious decision in my head "Oh that sounds hot, I would like to try that someday". It was more of...an epiphany of sorts. A realization deep in my heart, soul, and loins that this is who I am. Feelings and urges inside of me for years before I had even picked up a porno magazine in my life--things that I didn't understand suddenly had names and identities. I was a submissive male. I was into BDSM. I needed to belong to a Mistress. I now had a vocabulary and a frame of reference for these feelings and needs.

The aches in my body to be used and abused, dominated and enslaved like the men in the stories was so painful it was...delicious.

Now...what to do about it? I wanted...needed...more....

And in those miserable pre-internet Reagan years of youth there was NOTHING else. So I got, quite frankly, pathetic.

There exists in this house today--I have it still, and Mistress has seen it--a VCR tape that I made over many many late nights as a teen of things that just happened to rub me the right way in my 'special place', and I duly recorded and would masturbate furiously to.

This tape wasn't of a single naughty movie or anything like that. It was a total mishmash of movie clips, music videos, *anything* that pushed my buttons. And I DO mean ANYTHING. There was this night on "Friday Night Videos" that had Judy Tenuta doing her 'Love Goddess' shtick with Emo Philips as her devoted servant as guest hosts that I recorded segments of.

And masturbated to. Yes, I was that pathetic as a horny teenager. :P

Other things of note on the 'Tape Of Shame':

Madonna was, obviously, a HUGE turn on for me. I'd watch her videos over and over, freeze-framing on my favorite parts, daydream of being her slave and, of course, masturbate.

My favorite Madonna video:


Oh my god...those fishnets, those fishnets, I would have given the world to kneel before her legs & feet in those fishnets and heels and worshipped them...

Here's another pathetic confession of the 'Tape Of Shame' that I can't find a still image or a video clip of. There's a scene (a SINGLE scene!) in the horrible movie "Superman IV" where the character of Lacy White tries to seduce Clark Kent by laying on top of her desk in a provocative pose, showing off her beautiful legs and high heels, and having him come into her office to 'discover' her like that. I'm not even sure this scene is 20 seconds long: in any event, it must have impressed me, because I recorded it, watched and rewatched it (paused on the shot of her legs & feet of course) and masturbated to it. :P

There's a scene in the Madonna movie "Who's that Girl" where she's changing clothes to pass herself as the high society fiance of the male lead where there is a CLOSEUP of you-guessed-it her feet in fishnet and heels that's on screen all of maybe 3 seconds.

These are VANILLA movies, folks. But damnit, they were MY porn! :P

Thank GOD for late-night Showtime. How many other children of the 80's out there played the "Let's sneak into the living room late at night and watch naughty movies on cable with the volume turned down" game?

Not that any of them were really BDSM movies or even hinted at it...I enjoyed the "Emmanuelle" movies pretty much as they were, with my own mind adding daydreams and fantasies to make them femdom-ish in my head.

(With one exception--Emmanuelle IV--there's a dream sequence where Emmanuelle is beating her former lover across the face with a little flogger until her bows before her, with the dialogue something like "I want to whip you...beat you...you must know who your Mistress is!" Ohhhhh, melllllts....)

But one late night 80's erotic movie stands above all others to my fevered aches and longings, and that would be "Honey" or "Miele di Donna", sadly not available on DVD anywhere it would seem.

“The young, naive Annie enters a hotel to spend the night - without knowing that it's this special kind of hotel, that serves more than breakfast. Curiously she walks around and watches the maids doing their job. She's especially fascinated of a forbidden room, where a silent, strange guy lives.” --from the IMDb

The 'silent strange guy' scene I came across on YouTube HERE and while, yeah, ok, its hot, there's bondage even, it ISNT the scene that was the most erotic thing in the world to me and remained so until I was 18 and could go to a PROPER adult store and buy Femdom mags.

No, the scene that affected me so deeply, that melted my young kinky mind is the one where Annie is sneaking around this hotel, peeking into all of these rooms, seeing all of the erotic or bizarre things going on in all of these rooms. If I remember right, she had just been to the shower and was wearing nothing but a bathrobe, and she was a bit lost and unable to find her room. She stumbles into the room of a total stranger.

She’s discovered by this dominatrix-type stern woman with a cane, who immediately takes control of her and goes off into this roleplaying thing where the dommish woman is a schoolteacher, and Annie is a misbehaving student who has written a naughty letter and must confess her sins. Annie immediately obeys and begins to just roleplay with it, apologizing to the ‘Mother Superior’, disrobing and falling to her knees at the domme’s feet, who then starts to run her cane along Annie’s body, slowly and sensually, promising to get a ‘full confession’ out of her.

I remember this being the most erotic thing to me in the world at that time…not just the domme in the high heels, but more than that, it was…the ease that the Annie character had in immediately falling into submission to this stranger. I mean, here she is, almost naked, vulnerable, caught sneaking around, and she not only obeys this strange other woman, she buys into the whole fictional roleplay thing 100% without missing a beat, casting off her bathrobe and kneeling oh so beautifully on the floor.

I...wanted to BE her...so bad... So beautiful, so feminine..so wanted and desired that total strangers would want to dominate and possess her, and be so free in her sexuality and her ease in her submission that she could just instantly obey and get into it without any hangups or hesitation...

Even now, with all of these years of real life play and naughtiness behind me I still envy Annie that total freedom and sheer abandon in her slavery.

Bikini party girl!

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Making him our BITCH!

Here's a couple of screen shots from our latest video clip..

I've been sitting on this video for ages, nervous about publishing it in case Shy later changed her mind about being in porn. But as she's now started modelling for other sites I feel it's silly to hesitate any longer. So when she's famous, y'all remember you saw here here first, eh? ;-p

Cuckolding: a few thoughts from an outsider

As a fetish goes, cuckolding is one that interests and excites me personally, I must admit. But in a way different than most, if what I see in blogs and on Fetlife is any indication.

Typically in cuckolding stories its all about the dominant wife or GF having sex with another man, and I can see (from the outside) its appeal as far as humiliation, tease and denial, goes. I understand and even share some of these feelings--but 'the act' of cuckolding does not in and of itself 'do it' for me, personally.

For instance, often in cuckolding stories (fiction or otherwise) the wife/GF may just go out with the bull, or exile the submissive husband/BF to his room while the domme and bull have some good 'ol fashion vanilla sex without the sub being involved at all.

While this would produce jealousy in me personally, to some extent, it would also produce...boredom.

No...what truly excites me about cuckolding stories is when the domme and the bull dominate and humiliate the submissive together, especially if feminization is involved. Its exciting to me then--when the submissive is an active and desired participant in the activity, as opposed to exiling the submissive from his own relationship or marriage with the domme, which strikes me as more hurtful.

Its one of the reasons I find the blog "All Mine" so delicious. The sissy submissive husband tammy is very much a part of the proceedings, and the Mistress, the bull, and other playmates all seem to be successfully managing a loving, polygamous lifestyle so well and so HOT than one cannot help but feel a bit envious of their adventures.

Not that my own life isn't without its adventures either! ;) But I do sometimes feel like we hit a number of speedbumps along the way.

(For those of you reading this who do not follow our blog Slavegirl Sissy just know I am an owned, collared slave to my Mistress Lady Erisiana Cherie, who is married to a lovely man (Father Izzy). He is not my 'Master' but has topped me a little, from time to time.)

Anyway...back to cuckolding: as you can see, in my case, it doesn't really apply or fit my own relationship status at all. But the appeal of it lies more in a forced bi interest, to me. The total surrender of oneself to one's Mistress up to and including one's own sexuality and sense of identity...to be owned and used as a slave, period, objectified and effectively genderless to be used by a Mistress or a Master equally....this is what excites me.

That delicious feeling of being OWNED, body and soul, as helpless as a fly in the web of a beautiful Spider Queen...*smiles softly*.

Makes me just want to sink deep into submission and never come back up again...would that I could!

Smart ass penalties, revisited

I've spoken of our system of smart-ass penalties before. I really love making videos of these 'discipline' sessions. For one thing it's a type of scene that just begs for an audience. And I guess I enjoy watching these videos an awful lot. They're among the ones I keep coming back to anyway. *grin*

We made this one months ago, but I never got around to sharing these little samples from it..at least, I don't think I have. If I have done then I hope y'all won't mind seeing them again, lol! Personally I very much enjoyed watching myself bounce on poor tia's head & grind on his face as I revisited this one today..

We haven't had a smart-ass penalty session in a while. And you know what? Even if tia's not past due for it (and I think he is, oh yes I do) I know damn sure *I* am!

Becoming Her bitch

Sometimes during play (although the splitting hairs side of me hates to call it that, because the word doesn't do it justice) things happen between Mistress and I that are just...indescribable. Too powerful, maybe even too personal for words.

In the interest of making my Mistress smile upon reading this, I am going to try.

Last weekend started out as, quite frankly, a bit of a disappointment. We went to Fetish Circuit that Saturday night more out of obligation rather than a desire to go. Neither Mistress or myself cares much for the club scene, where there are too many people, too much noise, and very little actual play going on. :P

So we get to Sunday without really having done anything or had much time together. I was decidedly UN-glamourous that day, not really feminized at all, no makeup, not even bodyshaved. A pink tshirt and matching panties was all I had on, the proper attire for a lazy day with Mistress.

And it was a pretty lazy day, almost vanilla even. But as the evening went on, and as I rubbed her feet and legs with lotion, Mistress decides she wants to use me and takes me back to the bedroom.

She has me crawl in bed beside her to pleasure her breasts with my mouth, has me rub my nipples against hers--just as if I was her girlfriend. At this point I'm aching to please her, be used by her, to do anything at all in the world for her. And she knows it.

"I want to fuck you, sissy slave,." She growls. And I know without even being told that she doesn't mean using my cockette at all.

I lie there on my back, watching her put the strap-on dildo on, feeling this...deep feeling of surrender course through my body. That this is my fate, and I should accept it, surrender to it. I am her fucktoy and plaything, and if it should please her to use me as a girl then I will be her girl, now and forever.

She tells me to stay on my back, has me pull down my panties, spread my legs wide and in the air...omg...she's really going to fuck me like a girl! We've never done this before.

She teases me, rubs the larger strap-on against my smaller cockette as if mocking it, reenforcing the fact that I am not a man anymore (in the usual sense of it) and that i will never experience 'normal' sex as a man ever again. She lubes up and enters me without much difficulty at all...ohhhhh goddd.....

And it feels amazing. To be taken by Mistress, I felt swept away in the feelings of submission and...a kind of deep mental feminization, and the incredible physical sensation of her fucking me, my cockette rubbing between us.

I melted under the physical and mental feelings, I wanted nothing more than to be fucked like that by her forever. If she had demanded it I would have agreed with all my body, heart and soul to surrender my cockette to permanent chastity in exchange to only having my sexual pleasure given at the end of her dildo. I felt myself wanting to cum...cum from being fucked in the ass! And it took effort not to let myself go when all I wanted was to just give into the sheer animal inside me, and cum all over the place. I wanted her to rape me...and moved my wrists underneath her hands for her to hold down..

Oh my...

It was beautiful.

I have been daydreaming of it all week. When we were finished, my legs were all rubbery and trembling. It was one of the most intense submissive experiences I had ever had and I ache so badly for more.

And oh god I want more. I want Mistress to take me down the road to deeper submission, enslave me, feminize me, push my limits of pain & humiliation for her pleasure, to kneel at her feet and surrender my body, heart & soul to her.

So....*blushes* that's what today's picture post is all about...its not from the evening I've been describing (Its from the night Mistress and I made the "Blonde Sissy beauty gets FUCKED!" video) but it definitely gives a sense of the...intensity of it.

I am Her bitch, and its all I ever want to be.

Submission: its not always easy

I'm fully aware, believe me, of how fortunate I am to be the collared sissy slave to Mistress Erisiana Cherie. I live a life that sometimes resembles a porn movie, or a piece of sissy fiction. I serve (occasionally) her husband; am toyed with and teased by his submissive girl; attend rather naughty play parties and go to dungeons and clubs. I've had experiences I never, ever in my wildest dreams that I thought would ever come true.

But submission is not always like a porn movie. Sometimes its hard, difficult, frustrating (in the bad sense). Sometimes there are arguments, misunderstandings. Sometimes real life just gets in the way.

I find myself slightly suspicious when I see blog/forum entries that's basically describe a 24/7 porn movie BDSM lifestyle where everyone seems to be in everyone else's pants all the time. No one seems to have job or child responsibilities, or ever seems get tired, ill, or just not in the mood.

Kind of like how you almost never see characters on tv or movies go to the bathroom. :P

And yet, I myself have a life that others may disbelieve as well. Which I really wouldn't blame them--sometimes I don't believe it myself!

But there are times *I* am 'not in the mood', emotionally or physically. And at times like this...submission is hard. I'm not in the headspace I should be in, I'm not serving my Mistress as well as I could, as well as she deserves.

Such a time happened just the other night.

I was out of town, on business, all alone in a cheap hotel without even a working tv set. I don't want to say what I do for a living, but just know that its on the very low end of a blue collar job, it doesn't pay the greatest, the hours are long and physically demanding. It sometimes involves getting up long before dawn to drive a hundred miles away or more, working a long tiring day, driving back to catch a few hours sleep before doing it all over again.

Mistress knows this, and understands this. She is so loving and generous in heart and patience. But sometimes she makes a point of establishing her control of me when she knows it isn't easy for me. Indeed, that's more than likely why she does it. But knowing that doesn't exactly make it easy at the time.

So I was out of town, kind of worn out from the day. I had thought about having a relaxing swim in the hotel pool, then doing a bit of reading before calling it a night. I was missing Mistress...I always miss her during my workweeks, and being so far out of town only made it worse. I wrote her a email on my phone, then stripped naked and took a photo of myself, kneeling and kissing my necklace-collar to send to her as a surprise, because I knew she was missing me as well.

She enjoyed the photo and appreciated the gesture. A little too much, because it was then an evil little lightbulb went off in her head and she decided on the spot to do some long distance training via text messages.

Its here that I might lose some of you reading this, particularly unattached submissives who might think me crazy or ungrateful for not fully appreciating Mistress taking the time to toy with me. All I can say is that this is real life, its a real relationship, and I think its unrealistic if not impossible to expect two people in that relationship to be always raring to go, 24/7.

Mistress ordered me to look through the phone book for any adult stores or adult theaters in the area. "Oh God," I thought. "Please Mistress, no..I am so tired and I don't like where this is going..please don't send me out to some strange porn store to do God-knows-what when I'm out here on company business. Suppose I'm caught? Suppose I'm fired?"

All the raced through my mind but I obeyed, on my knees in the hotel room going through the phone book, wearing only my pink panties and a towel that she had me wrap around my chest--like a woman might to cover her breasts after a shower.

She had me edge twice while looking for listings, to 'put your mind in the proper place'.

I was more than a bit relieved to tell her, truthfully, that there were no adult listings. Apparently that part of central Florida is in the ultra-religious anti-adult-anything part of the state, where consenting adults making perfectly legal adult movies of themselves can be arrested by police with apparently nothing better else to do.

NOT the best place in the world to be going out and doing naughty stuff to begin with, let alone when one is there on business! :P

Mistress seemed to accept this, although via the internet, she did find some adult strip club 50 miles away from me. No please no. She then asked if there was a Walgreens or something near me. Yes Mistress, I admitted, (not liking where this was going either), there is a Walgreens near me.

"Then, my little chickenshit sissy, BEG ME to be allowed to go buy some sissy supplies--some lipgloss, pantyhose, condoms & lube--INSTEAD of being forced to go to a porn store to expose yourself like the sissy you really are!"

I cringed. I didn't like this idea either. In fact, while safer for me it would also be more embarrassing--being outted as a perv out and about among vanilla people.

I knew I would have no choice but to obey. The hour was growing later and later...it was already too late for a swim; I knew I would have to get to bed early to get up the next day, the longer I resisted the inevitable or tried to beg my way out of it the longer it would take. I felt her will break me down, felt that evil smile on her face.

Yes Mistress.

I dressed quickly, my mind all abuzz with conflicting thoughts and feelings--arousal at her dominance and humiliation of me, annoyance, aggravation, and even a flash of anger at her horrible (in my opinion at the time) sense of timing--fucking with me a hundred miles away when I knew that she knew I was so tired and not wanting to play.

I got to the store, it was just a minute or two away. texted her that I was about to be outted as a pervert for her amusement, then went in.

I was so nervous and jittery...I *really* do not like public exposure at all, and I knew, damnit, that this would only attract MORE attention to myself. I furtively darted aisle to aisle in the cosmetics section. A woman employee WOULD be organizing the lipstick section at that moment, of course. :P Just my luck.

I agonized over what to do for several minutes...I couldn't tell what was lipgloss and what was lipstick from the next aisle over, and its not like I have a whole lot of experience shopping in the makeup section to start with.

I lucked out, as behind me in a whole section on its on was some Burt's Bees lipgloss. (Although I'm not sure if it counted, as it seems to be more of a lip BALM) Ignorance is bliss and a reasonable defense, I decided, and grabbed the tube of lip-something and continued my quest to embarrass myself.

I was angry by this point and more than a little rebellious. Despite my pleas, Mistress would not help me by telling me where to find lipgloss, what size of pantyhose to get. I was NOT going to buy lube, I decided. I grabbed lubed condoms instead. Two birds with one stone.

The pantyhose. Ah hell.

A quick peek around the corner told me that the woman employee was kind of involved in what she was doing down the aisle by the lipsticks: I *should* be safe enough to dash forward and grab a box of pantyhose without attracting too much attention. What size? What color? ARRRGH.....

Fuck it. I darted forward and grabbed the first box I saw that said 4X. I wasn't sure if it would fit (it was a bit tight later) but I'm not about to be caught browsing different pairs of pantyhose.

Now the checkout line. 'Damn you', I messaged to my gleeful Mistress.

I got through the line, cute perky checkout girl and all, and with a 'Have a good night Sir!' ringing in my ears I was out the door!

And a nervous wreck by this point. :P

Nervous and fuming with anger, I managed to drive PAST my hotel and had to do a u-turn and then another u-turn on the divided road to get back, half-convinced I would get in some sort of accident at the way my luck was going.

I make it back to my room and tell her that I have succeeded, Oh Vile One.

She has me strip and put the pantyhose and lipgloss on, then has me kneel on my bed and suck on the end of my hairbrush as if it were a real cock.

*bright blush* Ok, I admit it, the anger had faded by this point. I had fallen into her spell as she KNEW I would. I was turned on and ready to obey, wanting to please her.

Eventually she had me rip the pantyhose apart, front and back, and fuck my ass with the brush while humping the bed until I came in my panties. I used a lubed condom on the brush and thrust it in and out a little bit, not exactly enthusiastically.

And when it was done I was finally given permission to go to bed, spending the night in my soiled panties.

The point of all of this rambling--other than to hopefully entertain and amuse Mistress when she reads this--is really just to illustrate real-life submission as opposed to porno movie submission. Its not always easy, and can be aggravating at times when it conflicts with real life demands. It can, and has been, emotionally painful on occasion (which I doubt I will ever talk about here).

I'm pretty sure she KNEW I wasn't in the mood, could tell my resistance a hundred miles away. She can read me like a book, from the workings of my crazed neurotic little mind to the depths of my heart.

She knew I would obey her in spite of it all. That's why she did it, to let me feel owned by her, to feel her foot on the back of my neck from the other side of the state.

And I love her for it.

She knew that as well.

Damn her. *soft smile*