Accepting my inner slut

Ohhh last night....

Last night Mistress & Sir came over for 'movie night'. I was dressed for the occasion in nothing but pink thong panties, thigh high pink fishnets, and high heels. I had shaved my body totally smooth earlier, so I was already feeling very sexy and slutty and submissive when Mistress ordered me to get on my knees in front of her husband and remove his clothes with my teeth.

It was awkward and humiliating...just like Mistress likes it for me, but soon he was naked from the waist down and I was kissing my way up his legs, soon kissing, sucking and worshipping his cock, licking up and down the shaft, taking it as deep as I could...

And while I have done this act before, with him, and with others--this time was different...I dont know how to describe it. It felt right. More right than ever before. The natural kneejerk "this is alien!" feeling I get at first when I am engaged in forced bi play did not occur. I'm usually a bit more reluctant, hung up on my own inhibitions.

But it just felt so right...so natural for me. I wasnt even fully feminized...no wig or makeup, just thong panties, fishnets and heels. But I felt so sexy and slutty and feeling feminized in my mind that I felt myself melt into slutty obedience.

Everytime Sir played with one of my nipples, or ran a hand over my cockette in my panties, or rubbed it with his leg as I sucked his cock I melted at the the touch and revelled in the slutty pleasure I was feeling. It was like the door of all my inhibitions and shyness and reluctance was not only opened, it was knocked down entirely!

I still gagged a bit and felt like I was choking when Mistress insisted I suck it deeper into my throat, and pushed my head down onto his cock. T'm thankful I didnt throw up, as I feared I would from the gag reflex. But I was doing such a good job sucking his cock that I got him to cum inside my mouth--way before Mistress was ready, as she had gone out of the room to get her strap-on.

She lubed me up and fucked me anyway, on my knees, her husband's cock still in my mouth...a sissy sextoy to both of them....mmmmm...

Thats all I ever want to be..

The 'Master' Fantasy

Probably one of my hottest, reoccurring fantasies is the "master/boyfriend" fantasy.

In it, my Mistress chooses a dominant male friend of hers to rule over me in her absence, whenever she is not presently using me and I am available for service. I am sent to his house regularly, to be fully femmed and obedient. There I am his to use in every way...and Mistress will know if I am not a good girl. Pictures/videos are taken to ensure my compliance and for her to review my performance. More than likely, I am kept in chastity to further induce my femmed and kept state of mind.

Its an extreme forced bi fantasy really. Its the thought of being so much under Mistress's control that I am like a puppet dancing to her strings, even if I am miles away. Its about *her* power, *not* just 'an excuse for bi sex' as people outside the fetish do not seem to understand. Cheap armchair psychology, if you ask me.

I honestly do not look at other men at all and find them attractive, so I dont consider myself 'bi' in its purest sense--you know, as if I found both sexes equally attractive and desirable naturally. I have a bi side, no question, but its not the default setting in my head, if you follow me. Context is everything.

What makes me melt is the force. The surrender. The thought that someone (better yet, multiple someones!) finds me sexy enough as a submissive sissy that they ensnare me and trap me and wrap me up in chains both physical, mental and emotional that there is no way out, even if I wanted to. To be kept, forcibly kept in that state of sweet submission...bliss. Total bliss.

My 'first time' for forced bi play was years ago, and I've had plenty of 'adventures' since then.....but it still hasn't lost its power to make me blush and squirm and go weak in the knees...

Tonight's the night!

Mistress has been teasing me about it for weeks now, I still can't believe this is actually happening. My imagination has been running wild with sissy fantasies and daydreams almost nonstop, making it next to impossible to concentrate on anything else.

I don't know how the reality will compare to what I've fantasized...on the one hand Mistress is capable of anything, on the other she is very protective of me (and I love her for it) but may also underestimate how far she can push me over the edge and down that rabbit hole.

And, well, I also know how much the universe likes to disappoint me in life. I've learned not to let my hopes get up high about anything if I can help it. So I am...cautiously optimistic. Trying not to let my little daydreams and fantasies run away with me in case the reality doesn't quite measure up.

From my perspective the most delicious thing is that I truly do not know. It simply isn't up to me. I knelt before Her just over 4 years ago now, and gave myself to Her body heart and soul. I'm not 'topping from the bottom' with a vanilla gf/wife who is just trying to humor me. No, I really do belong to Her, the most exciting Woman I have ever known and she is just as eager to dominate me as I am to be dominated.

Thank you Mistress. No matter what happens tonight, I think I've already been given a precious gift. I've just had it for a little while now.

*soft sappy smile*

Why "Forced Bi"?

My sexuality has evolved over the years. I've examined and reexamined my psyche to figure out what makes me tick because I like to know the why's of things.

I'm comfortable enough now to admit I have a bi-side...but...it has to be in context. Just looking at a guy doesn't do anything for me (although pretty sissies and shemales most definitely does!) but if I am feminized and submissive and under control, ie being 'forced' to do so I squirm and ache and yearn for it with all of my sissy heart.

The outside and cynical observer will and has claimed that 'forced bi', like 'forced fem', is just an excuse the submissive male needs to act out bi or gay tendencies to alleviate any guilt or shame the male may feel from those tendencies. A way for the psyche to rationalize what he is doing. And for some male subs, for all I know that may even be the case. But I think its wrong to generalize and thereby dismiss fetish people like this: put them all in some pat and easy to understand box. I think reality is a lot more complex than this.

I can't speak for all subs, but I can speak for myself, and I know its nowhere near that simple. My sexuality...my submissiveness, my forced fem desires, my forced bi, they all derive from a deep need to be wanted. Loved. Secure. If someone goes to all of that trouble to keep me (feminize, dominate, enslave) and not let me go, they must REALLY really want me. And my inner self feels warm and safe and loved.

Everything else--the dressing, the rituals, the protocols etc etc are just externalizations of that deep basic human need. The means to an end.

When I was a child my mind made the equation that being kept in female clothes was just like bondage. Put me in a dress, take my male clothes away, and I'm helpless to run away, I'm trapped. As I grew older these sexual thoughts evolved, almost like a natural progression. Being dressed up was only one layer of mental bondage...being forced to act the part of female, to pretend my male side did not even exist was another. To surrender my sexuality, be taken with a strap-on dildo was another.

To be forced to submit to a real man...only the next logical step. How far down the rabbit hole can I go, how many more mental chains can be wrapped around me to increase those feelings of being loved and wanted and kept.

To be wanted that much....by men AND women? *shivers*

It took years for my sexuality to evolve to this point. Things that started as the deepest darkest fantasies of my teenage years now come to full bloom as an adult as I began to live some of them out.

I am at my happiest when I am fully feminized and subservient and being dominated and controlled. Owned. It is the hottest, most erotic thing in the world to me as well as the warmest, safest mindspace I can be in. The further down the rabbit hole, the happier I am.

Its utterly utterly addicting. If I didn't have to slave away in the real world I would live like this, if I could.

So yes...I can admit now, I am bi. In context. In the outer world? No, I am not. But as Tia?

Fuck yes. *deep red blush*

Tia wants not only to suck cock and be fucked by one, she wants to be seduced by a man. Touched all over by one, caressed, held down, overpowered by one. Kissed. Long, deep kisses where I melt into it and feel myself far down in that deep mindspace of being so utterly and beautifully feminized that I am lovingly imprisoned in that role. I want to feel strong hands trace their way all around every curve of my body. To surrender, body and soul. Feel that hot hard cock on my asscheeks...shiver with the knowledge that *I*...me of all people!..made him hard and am about to be fucked..

Call him Master.

I want to feel pretty and desired by a man. Even though I know I'm not and nowhere near passable, I need to feel it. To try to believe that someone else thinks I am. To be wanted and kept this way.

That's the heart of the fetish to me. So far down the rabbit hole, to become a wanted and kept sextoy to both men and women, to fulfill that basic desire to be desired.

My own sissy heaven.