Playing 'Doctor', Femdom-style

Many years ago, when I was a young teenage boy, just starting to figure out my sexuality, I had my first Femdom experiences with my best friend's two sisters across town.

I think I was 13, 14 at most. Their ages were 12 and 10 I want to say? Its hard to remember. And at that age the age difference is a big thing, maybe an uncomfortable age difference tantamount to child abuse to my now-adult mind and conscience. Its why I never told this story to anyone other than Mistress until writing this.

And if that disturbs anyone, I apologize...but its naive for us to stick our heads in the sand and try to pretend that children are NOT sexually experimenting at that age. There's a reason why "Playing Doctor" and "You show me yours and I'll show you mine" are such common stories/experiences.

My "Playing Doctor" game just happened to take a more Femdom route, is all.

I'm not going to deny it, I was 'topping from the bottom' as it were. But only at the beginning. I was older, a little smarter, and honestly more than bit manipulative at that age. I happened to be alone with the two sisters, and we were playing some game or other (I forget what it was now) and I casually made the suggestion that we gamble on who was going to win the game, and the loser would be forced to do anything the winner said.

The girls liked the idea...and I made quite sure I lost the bet, much to their delight.

You win. Now...what do you want me to do?

Kiss your feet?

And with that, the idea was planted right in their minds that yes, yes they wanted this older boy to grovel before them and kiss their feet, each taking turns having me crawl to her and do so.

You're not going to have me lick your shoes clean, are you?

And that's all of the prompting it took. Both girls thrilled to the newfound power they held over me, especially the younger one, and from that point forward whenever any of us were alone together that summer I obeyed their every command. The pretense of 'losing a bet' wasn't even needed after that first time.

And the youngest sister...my god.....did she get off on humiliating me....I remember one occasion, she forcefully took my hand and led me away in private, told me to get down on my knees and said "I have a Girl Scout meeting soon. I can't go to it with dirty shoes now, can I?" and had me lick her tennis shoes all over to her satisfaction before leaving to go to that meeting, leaving me dazed and aching and humbled by the fierceness in her.

The older girl...the novelty soon wore off, although one time she did enjoy taking me down in her parents basement, ordering me to lie on my back and be dry humped to my frustration by her, while her sister had me kiss her feet and ass the entire time. She even spanked me with a broom when I wasn't obeying fast enough.

I was playing with fire that summer. I don't know how it could have ended in anything other than discovery and scandal. I was helplessly drawn to them, to ache for them, to humiliate myself before them for their entertainment and pleasure. The same look of domme-space and power that I see in my Mistress today is the same look the younger sister had so many years ago, ordering me to kiss her ass and telling her sister "He does anything I tell him to do...", so sexually charged and full of the rush of power.

Perhaps fortunately for me our Femdom games were not discovered. Fate intervened. At that same period of my life I was engaged in petty street crime with their brother, the friend who I ostensibly was over at that house to see in the first place. Since we weren't exactly criminal masterminds we were caught, our parents fined, and we weren't allowed to be friends anymore from that point on.

If that had not occurred....I don't know how much further it would have gone with the girls and me. For years afterward, until I started having real sex with my first girlfriend it was the hottest thing I had ever done in my life...my first sexual play ever, and it was as a slave, a submissive male who longed for nothing more than to be dominated and controlled by Women.

It wasn't experimenting or play-acting to me. It was an epiphany, a realization that this is who I am. This is what I was meant to be.

I wonder sometimes, if the girls remember our games that summer and if it affected them in any way. They were willing, even eager participants even it was my idea and my suggestion at first. Did it warp them, scar them for life...or empower them?

Are there two Mistresses out there right now, toying and playing and dominating men for their pleasure as adults thanks to me?



Figurative ass-kissing

I call written worship, things like letters of adoration, "figurative ass kissing". You know, as opposed to literal ass kissing, which would be when someone's face is pressed against my ass, lavishing it with kisses and licks and...you get the picture.

I like both kinds and Tia has standing orders to send me a written thank-you at certain times. Like every time I use him sexually, whether he's allowed to cum or not. It's like the dom equivalent of maintenance spankings for me. Waking up to this in my inbox helps keep me in my happy place:

Just wanted to write and thank you for using my slutty body last night Mistress... Oh...ohhhh it felt so good to be fucked by you, to give you an orgasm with your cock buried deep inside my slutty ass. It was so hard to not cum myself... I cannot remember the last time I was allowed to cum even remotely close to being a 'real man'. For the past few months I think I haven't been, and my body is being retrained to only have sex as your girl....and that thought makes me squirm and ache and shiver. It felt so powerful last night...you grabbing my hips, my hair, taking me roughly, leaving me no doubt that I was your bitch and you are in charge. And all I can do is sit here and ache for more today... --your sissy

Using and abusing the maid

StraponTales @ FerroNetwork

I cant make out what they're saying but its still hot to watch this domina bend her sissy maid over the table and fuck her senseless! ;)

Things I love about sissies #1

He asked me last night in the middle of a passionate play session “Mistress, I know this (feminization) is my deep fetish…but what do YOU get out of it?”

I answered with the first thing that popped into my head: how much I love having a special girl, one who’s a girl just for me. Not that I want to keep her to myself; I love sharing my beautiful sissy slavegirl with the world! But in a way she’s my creation; she’s the girl I made her to be. I’ve chosen her clothes and makeup, I dictate the way she paints her nails and what bath products she uses. I’ve molded her on the inside too, always demanding that she learn new skills. She’s like a giant Barbie doll: I get to dress her up however I want. Then when she’s dressed I get to play all sorts of delicious sex-games with her. And her warm, whimpering, quivering, moaning, melting flesh is a LOT more fun than those tiny plastic Barbie-bodies ever were.

There’s appeal in the artistic process of this, the actual choosing of clothes and makeup and stuff. The sculpting of her style. There’s pure physical pleasure in the sexual & intimate services she provides. There’s practical pleasure in her more sensible services too. But I admit that what I get off on most from all this is just being in control. She is the way she is because I willed it to be so. I created her. And that makes me feel like a goddess.

I’ve been planning for a while to embark on a series of posts on the subject of ‘things I love about sissies’. There are so many things I love about femme boys in general and my girly boy in particular, it’s not possible for me to write one essay and feel I’ve said all that I want to say on the subject. I mean to make it an ongoing project instead, writing a short post every time some new thing-to-love occurs to me. My pet’s question has prompted me to finally start. :)

Silent But Slutty

A little while ago Mistress posted about a video I had made for her mostly for her own amusement--somehow I doubt that silent movie porno is going to take the interwebz by storm. ;p

But it was SO much fun to make, I went ahead and even made a little promo/video for it above purely for the fun of it.

I hope you enjoy...and, if you want to see the entire movie, Mistress has it on her clips for sale site here.

Helpless in her arms

pet-trap:

Aren’t you so pleased I removed your Macho facade pet …

We now have the real you …

One who is a Sweetie … One who does as he is told …

Now tell me just how much you like your world controlled by me …

Ohhh last night saw my own wonderful Mistress taking my own 'macho facade' away from me, dressing me in a pink corset, garters, fishnet stockings, silk gloves and high heels.

This was not done for my pleasure, Mistress told me. And in fact had me masturbate rather early in the proceedings '..just to get it out of the way', before an evening or worshiping her feet in sexy high heels and getting intensely spanked, to punish me for straying from my path as her slave and to remind me who is, in fact in control here.

Its Her. Its most definitely Her. I felt just like the illustration above, helpless in his Mistress's arms, all manly pretense taken away. My true self revealed as her obedient sissy slave.

Thank you Mistress. Thank you for loving me, thank you for keeping me, thank you for putting me back in my rightful place at your feet.

And thank you for staying by my side during these rough times. I love you so.

Purging Thoughts

Beautiful fantasy image, isnt it?

Fantasy fetish perfectly enshrined in cartoon form, a perfection that the great majority of submissive fetish crossdressers like myself will never attain.

I've been thinking lately about the act of 'purging', wherein a crossdresser goes through a stage of wanting to purge himself of all of it. Usually associated with shame at who they are, and who they want to be.

I dont have this kind of shame...embarrassment, yes. I'm deeply embarrassed by my sub cd side but I've never lost sleep over it.

I'm not ashamed of who I am.

But I regret it. I think life would have been a whole lot easier if I had stayed on the straight and narrow vanilla path. It cost me a marriage, coming up soon on 20 years since the most painful time in my life, where my own bdsm desires led me to look for relief outside of the marriage and led me to hurt someone who I loved deeply.

The desires that led me to years of searching, as all single male submissive's search. Looking for love, acceptance, a lover and a partner who wanted me as a slave, a lover, a friend. The best of both worlds.

I couldn't bring myself to go the professional dominatrix route. Such a relationship to me...based on a commercial transaction at its core, is artificial. Play acting. I'm topping from the bottom because I'm paying someone to spend time with me because normally such a person would probably never give me the time of day.

And you know what? I've come closer to that than many submissives I know. I am a lucky slave, to have a wonderful Mistress who loves me. And I love her with all of my heart, for whatever that broken part of me is worth.

But its not fantasy. Its not like hot erotica, where everything is like a nonstop porn movie and everyone looks like beautiful fashion models. We are not gifted with being counted among the 'pretty people' whose images are all over tumblr (including my own) or being so beautiful and fashionably hip at a fetish club.

And our reality these days is kicking our ass. Its a lot of tears and bitterness and financial hardship and we seem locked in a escalating downward spiral, dragging all that is good and beautiful and worth living down with it. And I dont honestly know if we will make it through this.

So I'm developing this strange love-hate relationship with everything bdsm and kink related. I'm drawn helplessly towards it, but more and more faced with the fact that my life is not and will never be like anything I want it to be.

I'm under no illusions. I know burning all of my fem things, deleting all my femdom porn is useless. This is part of who I am, god damn me.

And no amount of purging is going to change that.