Purging Thoughts

Beautiful fantasy image, isnt it?

Fantasy fetish perfectly enshrined in cartoon form, a perfection that the great majority of submissive fetish crossdressers like myself will never attain.

I've been thinking lately about the act of 'purging', wherein a crossdresser goes through a stage of wanting to purge himself of all of it. Usually associated with shame at who they are, and who they want to be.

I dont have this kind of shame...embarrassment, yes. I'm deeply embarrassed by my sub cd side but I've never lost sleep over it.

I'm not ashamed of who I am.

But I regret it. I think life would have been a whole lot easier if I had stayed on the straight and narrow vanilla path. It cost me a marriage, coming up soon on 20 years since the most painful time in my life, where my own bdsm desires led me to look for relief outside of the marriage and led me to hurt someone who I loved deeply.

The desires that led me to years of searching, as all single male submissive's search. Looking for love, acceptance, a lover and a partner who wanted me as a slave, a lover, a friend. The best of both worlds.

I couldn't bring myself to go the professional dominatrix route. Such a relationship to me...based on a commercial transaction at its core, is artificial. Play acting. I'm topping from the bottom because I'm paying someone to spend time with me because normally such a person would probably never give me the time of day.

And you know what? I've come closer to that than many submissives I know. I am a lucky slave, to have a wonderful Mistress who loves me. And I love her with all of my heart, for whatever that broken part of me is worth.

But its not fantasy. Its not like hot erotica, where everything is like a nonstop porn movie and everyone looks like beautiful fashion models. We are not gifted with being counted among the 'pretty people' whose images are all over tumblr (including my own) or being so beautiful and fashionably hip at a fetish club.

And our reality these days is kicking our ass. Its a lot of tears and bitterness and financial hardship and we seem locked in a escalating downward spiral, dragging all that is good and beautiful and worth living down with it. And I dont honestly know if we will make it through this.

So I'm developing this strange love-hate relationship with everything bdsm and kink related. I'm drawn helplessly towards it, but more and more faced with the fact that my life is not and will never be like anything I want it to be.

I'm under no illusions. I know burning all of my fem things, deleting all my femdom porn is useless. This is part of who I am, god damn me.

And no amount of purging is going to change that.