A Sissy's Holiday

It was just before Xmas and I was with Mistress and her husband on the couch dressed in a pink sheer mesh chemise, thong panties and pink seamed stockings, high heels and my collar. I hadn't been made up but Mistress wanted me to look as pretty as possible anyway, and she liked my choice of outfit.

We watched a movie for a while and had some wine and eventually, with that gleam in her eye she told me to fetch her crop and wait for her and Sir in the playroom on my knees, the crop held between my teeth. I scampered off to the playroom to obey and tried to hold her crop as best I could without getting teethmarks on it.

Not that it spared me any lashes when she came in! But I could tell she wanted some other kind of entertainment, as she sat in a chair and told me to crawl to her husband and beg him to spank me.

The embarrassment and the wine made it hard to beg without a nervous giggle or two but I did manage to beg him to spank my sissy ass and with a big smile he shackled my wrists and and chained me up standing in the corner.

What followed was....one of the most erotic experiences of my life. *bright blush*

I've had forced bi experiences before...you'd think I'd have become used to it by now, but no, its still a very powerful act to me. And usually my experiences in the past have been more sexual than sensual, if you follow what I'm saying. Like the difference between making love and fucking.

He played me like an instrument and I loved every second of it. Soft touches, caresses, kissing the back of my neck, stroking my cockette through my panties, grabbing and rubbing my ass before SMACK SMACK SMACK he spanked me bare-handed until I cried out only to start all over again with the soft touches.

I felt so...feminine. Like this was the epitome of my physical and mental forced feminization. Not only was I to look the part, to please my Mistress and her husband, but I should act the part as well, feel it in my soul that this was my place, this was my purpose--to be a feminized fucktoy to them both.

My body responded to it, making me writhe in my chains helplessly. I remember letting out a moan of deep surrender as he grabbed my hair and kissed me hard. This told my Owners I was ready to be fucked.

He tried with me standing there, chained in the corner as I was but the heights just wouldnt match up so I was told to get on all fours in front of Mistress and lick her as he took my ass.

It was very hard and sharp feeling...its a massive cock, and there have been times in the past where it was simply too painful. But he was so gentle with me, and...and maybe I was just more 'ready' than I had ever been before, I dont know, but I took it much much better than I had before, although it was very hard to concentrate on pleasing Mistress with my mouth!

It was pain, it was pleasure, it was oh so very humbling to be fucked like that, surrendering my sexuality to my Mistress, relishing in my role as slut and playtoy to her and her husband.

As he came inside me I felt so...fulfilled. But ohhhh so frustrated, as I ached for more. Mistress & Sir were done with me for the night but I was so far gone into slutty subspace I wanted to be used and used and used again all night!

It would be two days later, on the 3rd year anniversary of the day where I met my Mistress in the flesh for the first time, after a day of being used by her in every way was I allowed to cum. And even then I was only allowed to do so as a proper sissy--on my back as she fucked my ass with her strap on!

Mmmm...it was a beautiful, beautiful holiday indeed! ;)

Have Yourself a Very Zombie Xmas!

Because, to us, nothing expresses the spirit of Christmas more than the Walking Dead..

Top 100 Sex Bloggers of 2011 who arent us ;p

(ie, people who seem to be having a lot more sexy fun than you or I are, damnit! ;p )

Its the 4th Annual List of the Top 100 Sex Bloggers according to Between My Sheets.

The only blogger I recognize myself is Sweatshop Sissy. A well-deserved congrats! :)

There's so much sexblogging here I fear that in posting this I may never be able to pry my Mistress away from the computer ever again! :p

Without any further ado, the list:

Guy New York (@quickiesnewyork) and The Dirty Gentleman from Quickies in New York
Charlotte Times (@charlotte_times) from The Life and Charlotte Times
Kendra Holliday (@TBK365 and @beautifulkind) from The Beautiful Kind
Amie Wee (@crevicecanyon) from Crevice Canyon
Riff Dog from Ashley and Me
Catherine Toyooka (@Catcoaches) from Sex Spoken Here: Secrets of a Sexuality Educator
Vineyard Road (@vineyardroad) from Vineyard Road
David (@DavidinVegas) from A View from the Top
Quizzical Pussy (@quizzicalpussy) from Quizzical Pussy
Athol Kay from Married Man Sex Life
Dick and Jane from Dick-n-Jane
EA (@easilyaroused) from Easily Aroused
Axe (@unspeakableaxe) from Unspeakable Axe
Joan Price (@JoanPrice) from Naked at Our Age – Better Than I Ever Expected
Oatmeal Girl (@oatmeal_girl) from Submission & Metaphor
Dark Gracie (@darkgracie) from Dark Gracie
Mistress Lilyana (@MistressLilyana) from Mistress Lilyana
Kyle Jones (@butchtastickyle) from Butchtastic
Cheeky Minx (@LoveHateSexCake) from Love Hate Sex Cake
Adam from The Mind of a Married Man
Dr. Marty Klein (@drmartyklein) from Sexual Intelligence
Lady Pandorah (@ladypandorah) from Lady Pandorah’s Sanctuary
Holly (@pervocracy) from The Pervocracy
Brooke from Puppy Tales
Lady Dragonfly (@miladydragonfly) from Lady Dragonfly
nilla (@swirlednilla) from Vanillamom’s Blog
Wilhelmina Wang (@wilhelminawang) from Heartbreak Nymphomania
Holden (@packingvocals) from Packing Vocals
25 Things from 25 Things About My Sexuality
Thumper (@thumperMN) from Denying Thumber
Kake (@poeticerotica) from Poetic Erotica
Lucas (@top2bottom) from Top to Bottom
Ms. Diane D from Bi and Large – Cuckolding with a Twist
Betty Dodson and Carlin Ross (@dodsonandross) from Betty Dodson with Carlin Ross – Sex Information Online
Kat (@shackledkat) from Prowling with Kat
The Gentle Nibbles Writing Team (@gentlenibbles) from Gentle Nibbles
Pandora (@pandorablake) from Spanked, Not Silenced
Molly (@mollysdailykiss) from Molly’s Daily Kiss
Vixen from Secrets of a Blue-Eyed Vixen
DDD from Dick Dyke Dick J
ade (@piecesofjade) from Pieces of Jade
Jiz Lee (@jizlee) from Jiz Lee
Sin from Finding My Submission
Kris from The Phone Courtesan
SapioSlut from SapioSlut
Rockin’ (@RockinwithaCock) from Light Switch
Rachael (@rabbitwhite) from Rachel Rabbit White
Neo Dom Tom from A Bedroom Dom
Daisy Danger (@daisydanger) from The True Life Sex Adventures of Daisy Danger
Violet & Rye (@UCAppetites) from Uncommon Appetites
Kaya from Under His Hand
Lilith (@lilith9465) from Lilith Land
Lady Grinning Soul (@LadyGrinSoul) from Lady Grinning Soul
Septimus from Dirty Art by Septimus
Roxy (@sroxy) from Uncommon Curiosity
Anakin (@AnakinDarth) and Padme (@padmeamidala) from Journey to the Darkside
Dr. Charlie Glickman (@charlieglickman) from Adult Sexuality Education
Lily from theblackleatherbelt
Arabella (@askarabella) from Bombshells & Rockstars
SN from Peel It Off!
Bre from Owned, Collared, Loved
Adriana Ravenlust from Of Sex and Love
Delilah (@definingdelilah) from Defining Delilah
Arthur and Annabelle (@lustandconfused) from Lust and Confused
Lorelei (@suggestive) from Suggestive Tongue
Kitty Stryker from PurrVersatility
Mollena (@Mollena) from The Perverted Negress
Naughty Lexi from Exploits of Lexi
Karen Blue (@kissinbluekaren) from Kissing Blue Karen
Arti (@ArtiAbsinthium) from Absinthe Cocktail
Figleaf (@talkingfigleaf) from Real Adult Sex
Miranda and Aarron from The Swingers Attic
Blacksilk (@BlacksilkBlog) from Blacksilk’s Boudoir
Violet (@violetscreaming) from Screaming Violet
Ferns (@Ferns__) from Domme Chronicles
SlipperyWhnWhet (@SlipperyWhnWhet) from A Slut’s Memoir
Fruit Taster (@fruittaster) from Fruits of Libido
Mrs. Discontented (@DiscontentedMrs) from Mrs. Discontented
Aisha from Being Aisha
Ruby Ryder from Pegging Paradise
Chrystal Bougon from Better Sex Radio
Lipstick Lori (@lipsticklori) from Rarely Wears Lipstick
CarrieAnn (@CarrieAnn_) from A View from the Floor
Dangerous Lilly (@dangerouslilly) from This Could Be Dangerous
Electronic Doll (@electronic_doll) from Post Modern Sleaze
Jerome from Let’s Talk About Sex
Dusk (@dusk_in_chains) from Dusk (in chains)
Innocent Loverboy (@innocentlb) from Innocent Loverboy
RHS from The Redheaded Slut
Violet Blue (@violetblue) from Tiny Nibbles
Amy (@AnalAmy) from Anal Amy
Curvaceous Dee (@curvaceousdee) from Curvaceous Dee
Jason Stotts (@Jstotts) from Erosophia
Mistress Kay (@mistress_kay) from Kinky World
Viemoira from Cavern of the Beast
Lucid (@lucidobsession) from Lucid Obsession
♀ & sss (@sweatshopsissy) from Sweat Shop Sissy
Kat from She Makes the Rules
Yummy from Sexual Adventures of a Married Woman
YOU! – As always, I want to leave a place on this list for ALL the awesome sex bloggers out there!
So please leave a comment on Between My Sheets with your name/URL to tell us about your sexy blog!

Analysing my fetish, continued

Sometime in my late 20's I said to myself "fuck it; the only people I'm hurting are figments of my imagination". I decided that I deserved sexual satisfaction as much as anybody else, even if my fantasies WERE exactly what my feminist peers hated most. I decided that I was an honorable, ethical person, and that I did not need to live my life ruled by the moral exhortations of people who obviously cared more about controlling my thoughts than about my actual well-being. I decided that I wanted to fucking well enjoy my fantasies for a change.

And that was when understanding began to dawn on me. Before this point I would have insisted that I viewed these scenes from outside, as if watching a movie, and that I wasn't in any role. Now I could see that I was MUCH more interested in the aggressor's perspective, imagining in minute detail what they said, did, & felt. I realized first that I was not, in fact, ever interested in mentally playing the part of the victimized girl, but that I totally got into the part of the raping man. Or, more accurately, the role of the men. ALL of them, simultaneously. Which is impossible in the real world, yes? And so the second thing I realized was that the sheer physical impossibility of my fantasies was important to me. It was significant that my role in the scene was as the sort of big, hairy, masculine guy that I had no interest in being (or shagging). It was significant that I often mentally played the part of a whole GROUP of these guys. It was significant that I also loved things like Japanese tentacle porn which were equally impossible.

It would be easy to assume that my rape fantasies have male aggressors and female victims because we live in a culture where women are shat on. That IS the feminist party line, isn't it? Nowadays the dogma goes so far as to call this a "rape culture". (And that assumption was a HUGE part of why I felt unable to talk about my fetish with anyone. A huge part of why I still avoid talking about it.) But that explanation just doesn't ring true for me. As I said I grew up in a household headed by a strong woman who ruled over us all, including her husband. I was taught that girls could do anything they wanted to, including have free & satisfying sex lives, and that equality between the sexes was the order of the day. And I lived by that teaching too. For instance, in 99% of my relationships I've been the one who made the first move toward sex. Heck, I'm accustomed to making the first move even in asking for a date. And maybe I've been freakishly lucky but I've had dozens of male lovers and never yet encountered one who was NOT greatly interested in my pleasure. In my world women have always been free sexual agents.

So yeah, the idea that my mind fixed on these archetypes because of some underlying belief that woman=victim simply does not hold water. But we also live in a culture where MEN are presumed to be victimizers. Even the 'good guys' are supposedly only a hair's breadth from turning into predators at any time. That is the message sent by things like the ubiquitous falsehood "1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted". It's the basis of the entire "rape culture" theory. And women, according to this dogma - the dogma that I grew up with, remember - are supposedly so morally superior that they would never, ever be sadistic rapists.

Take that message - that only men are capable of being sexually sadistic, and women are never rapists - and layer it with the usual prohibitions against ANY violence, and it hardly seems surprising that I might have had difficulty coming to terms with being a sexually sadistic woman. The funny thing is, I haven't ever really felt any of the agonizing guilt about 'abusing' people I like that seems so common with other doms. I figure its because my subconscious did this neat little trick, and turned my darkest fantasies into something that relied on it's own impossibility. I don't want to be a big, hairy, brutal guy. I don't want to be any guy. And thus on a very basic level I never worry that I'll go too far in realizing my dark dreams, because I never could!

This all makes even more sense when taking into account my disposition. If I had a D&D orientation it would be 'lawful good'. In a way you could say I play the role of an impossible villain because I can't imagine myself as the villain.

Now if all this sounds like I'm anti-feminist you've got the wrong idea. To repeat what I've said several times already - I grew up believing very strongly in the ideal of equality among all sexes/genders. I STILL HAVE those ideals. I think this sense of justice is at the heart of at least one part of my kink. But I've also had a pile of life experiences that've led me to doubt some of the feminist dogma I was taught. And in this case it makes a whole lot more sense to me to think of my fetish as being a response to negative messages I absorbed about men rather than negative messages I absorbed about women.

A self-protective twist of my subconscious elegantly accounts for the gender oddity in my fantasies. But I believe the core need expressed in them is a need for CONTROL. In many ways I was not in control when I was growing up. I guess this is true for every child, but perhaps more than usual in my family. And knowing the extent of my drive to control things (including non-sexual things) nowadays it makes perfect sense. My fantasies in the end are all about control.

And this final realization illuminates yet another facet of my fetish. You know how they say 'rape is not about sex, it's about control'? (Another one of those items of dogma I grew up with.) Well, in a way the girl in my fantasies IS also me, even while I consciously inhabit the role of the man/men. They are all symbolic figures constructed by my psyche. And the dramatic enactment of the rape itself symbolically represents me controlling my own sexuality.

That about sums it up for an analysis of my fetish. But it's really only the beginning of analyzing my sexuality. This entire essay has been about what was going on inside my head though the years; it says very little about my behaviors. It doesn't explain, for instance, how I got into sex work...how I became a domme...what I get out of forced feminization...or a lot of other things one might wonder about. This fetish is like the keystone of an arch: it's central to my sexuality but it's meaningless without all the other building blocks. I aim to try putting all the rest into words as well, but considering this bit took me weeks to compose I recommend not holding your breath in waiting for the next installment. :p

Analysing My Fetish

Tia's recent bout of self-analysis has prompted me to try doing the same for my own kink(s). I have so far avoided doing so because I feel like it's just too complicated to be able to express. I'm sure that people will focus on one thread of what is really a big tangled mass and miss the larger picture I mean to convey. And frankly, I don't feel like the general public has any claim to this kind of intimacy with me; I'm very comfortable sharing my body but the deep, dark corners of my mind belong to me alone.

But there are other things I want very much to say that will make a lot more sense after I fill in this backstory. So {deep breath} here goes..

I think I need to begin by talking about my fetish. I have a rape fetish. And I don't mean a fetish in the sense of 'something I like a lot that gets me really turned on'. I mean in the CLINICAL sense: something that I cannot achieve sexual satisfaction without. Something that has to be there for me to have an orgasm.

(Complication #1 - I don't know how common this is, but I know I'm not the only woman who has different sorts of orgasms from different kinds of stimulation. I have at least four kinds of orgasms. But my clitoral orgasms are like steak while the others are more like strawberries: they're all tasty but one leaves me satiated wheras the others aren't really filling unless I have a whole bunch of them, and then I'm hungry again soon.

When I speak of not being able to achieve orgasm without my fetish involved it's clitoral orgasms I'm talking about. And while I enjoy the other sorts very much, it's the clitoral orgasms I need to have to feel truly satisfied.)

I hope it goes without saying that I do not need to actually rape anybody to be satisfied. But I do need to be mentally focused on a certain kind of fantasy. The exact elements of these fantasies varies, but they generally involve some poor, helpless, innocent girl being sadistically raped and tortured by one or (more often) a whole gang of vicious men. And here we come to complication #2: the gender kink.

My fetish is something that has been a part of my sexuality for as long as I can remember, from the time I was a pre-adolescent dressing my Barbie dolls up in clothes made of paper towels so that Ken could tear them off her. But I didn't figure out until I was almost 30 that when I played these scenes out in my mind I was always in the role of the man.

It's not that I was sexually unsophisticated or inexperienced either. I was often the most lustfully adventurous person among my peers. In fact, sometimes I look back and wonder how the heck it took me so long to figure this shit out. But on the other hand, considering all the societal factors that come into play I suppose it makes sense.

Perhaps the single biggest obstacle to my understanding was the cultural assumption that one's sexual fantasies directly correlate with what one wants to make real. This assumption is SO prevalent it's difficult for most people, in my experience, to even grasp the idea that some of us are not wired that way, that for some of us the very impossibility of the fantasy is a necessary part of the thrill. It seems pretty obvious that this assumption is what's behind people's objections to "extreme" porn; it is certainly true that this assumption permeates discussions about porn ethics. So just imagine how it was for me as a girl, having grown up in a woman-headed family with STRONG feminist ideals, to be inescapably fixated on sexual fantasies that could not have been any more opposed to those ideals.

I couldn't talk to anyone about them because dude - violent rape fantasies? That I could not reach orgasm without? Yeah; you can imagine how most people would react to that. And I completely didn't understand that I saw myself as the big bad raping MAN either. I'm not only female, I'm femme. I'm very happy with my womanly body and not at all interested in becoming a man. I don't even want to look butch. That meant I MUST want to be the girl in the scene, right?

Right?

Of course not, but a decade or so of hearing about how porn - even ordinary vanilla porn - "objectified" and hurt women, well, that was plenty enough indoctrination to fuck with my ability to know myself. And MORE than enough indoctrination to fuck with my ability to communicate this shit to anyone. So I was left in a state of perpetual guilt, unable to share my whole sexuality with my lovers, unable to talk about it with my friends, unable even to discuss it with the several therapists I saw at various times during those years. I tried, more than once, to exorcise this dark part of myself. To stop 'giving in' to these thoughts that I was convinced were harmful. Which was useless of course.

{to be continued..}

Ohhh the fantasies in my head...

Mistress has been teasing me lately about getting me a 'boyfriend'.

*BLUSH*

The following is from my slave journal written after one particularly tortuous night of being teased & denied, kept on the edge of orgasm while she humiliated me with my own fantasies and burning ache to submit and be used..

I love the thought of it not being up to me at all. Having pictures taken, then put up online for you to write a profile for and go over all applicants—who know they are communicating with you, not me. Teased and humiliated and made to feel like a piece of meat, a fucktoy. I can just see the evil delight in you as you write the flirty profile, and go through the responses while I kneel helplessly at your feet.

Then the terror/humiliation if you actually *pick* someone. What if you don’t tell me anything about them at all? What if it’s a total surprise? It could be anyone…maybe even that dom gay male couple on collarme I see from time to time, or a dom cd, or some lecherous tranny chaser…

All I’m told is that I am to obey them, and I am to respond not only like a girl, but enthusiastically!

And then I’m totally feminized from head to toe, wig, makeup, some slutty outfit, and taken out…no choice in the matter, feeling very much like some sort of virgin sacrifice. I could be being taken to a gay bar, where I will have to have a few drinks and be ‘wooed'. I could be taken to some private home where I’ll be put in chains and fucked.

It could be anything…but all I can do is obey you, and whoever he or she is by extension.

I can see you there with me. Cropping me if I’m not enthusiastic enough. Ordering me to respond this way or that way—like spreading my legs back to be touched, or to use my tongue for a kiss.

And even more squirmy than this hot imagined scene? The idea that it might not be an isolated incident. That I might have to do my makeup and prepare myself for this person myself in the future.

That total surrender…ohhhhh….

Happy Thanksgiving!

And in honor of Thanksgiving, an image of Mistress trussing me up like a turkey!

Just don't ask for any stuffing. :P

Why am I Kinky? (follow-up)

Since writing and posting this I've been wondering about something else in my early childhood that may have helped make me kinky:

I have this memory of something on television involving a gang of girls holding another girl down and raping her with a coke bottle. I just have the briefest impression of it giving me happy tingles, imagining being held down and taken against my will.

For the life of me I have no idea what this was, or where it was from. Mistress has a memory of this also, and says it was some famous/infamous 'After-School Special'.

The closest thing I can find is a made-for-tv movie called "Born Innocent", starring Linda Blair, in 1974, wherein Linda's character is sent to some female detention center and she gets held down and raped with a plunger by several tough girls.

I'm not sure this is it. For one thing, I'm pretty sure it was a coke bottle or something in my memory, for another...in 1974 I would have only been 1 year old!!!

There's no way I could have watched that scene at that age and had sexual thoughts about it, good lord!

Does anyone else know what I'm talking about?

Why am I kinky? Why 'forced fem'? (Part 3)

With the key components of my sexuality in place: that being pretty means positive female attention and love, and that if a woman goes to the trouble to feminize me and keep me prisoner that I am therefore desired and wanted, the rest of my perversions and fetishes start to fall into place as I get older.

At some point in my childhood I had a scrap of black fishnet that was an accessory to a 'Planet of the Apes' toy playset, and I remember absolutely loving the way it felt if I put it on my leg, the way it looked, the way it felt if I kissed it..

I joke about it, but I seriously think popular culture played a role.

Wonder Woman on TV wearing that outfit, tying up people with her golden lasso and forcing them to tell the truth.

Princess Ardala on Buck Rogers, all dominant and imperious, always trying to seduce Buck and make him her submissive consort. I even had an action figure of her that in later years my other action figures would kneel before and kiss her feet!

And of course, Slave Leia in that much beloved and drooled over outfit.

In Leia's case, it wasn't so much a desire to submit to her and be conquered by her (as it was for Ardala & Wonder Woman) it was more a desire to look like her, and be collared and chained and kept.

As I got older, I began to figure out some of these thoughts and fantasies. The discovery of porn magazines gave me a terminology and a frame of reference to figure out who I was, which I've written about before.

I'll just shamelessly steal from myself and quote here:

To me, it wasn't like I made a conscious decision in my head "Oh that sounds hot, I would like to try that someday". It was more of...an epiphany of sorts. A realization deep in my heart, soul, and loins that this is who I am. Feelings and urges inside of me for years before I had even picked up a porno magazine in my life--things that I didn't understand suddenly had names and identities. I was a submissive male. I was into BDSM. I needed to belong to a Mistress. I now had a vocabulary and a frame of reference for these feelings and needs.

From there things kind of progress organically in my sexual development. Childhood fades, the toys and action figures are put away and I'm now fantasizing about these porn letters I'm reading, and oogling girls in class.

Every Halloween was particularly torturous in a sweet kind of way, because inevitably girls at school would come dressed in some outfit involving black fishnets and I used to ache and feel my knees go weak and know deep down in my soul that if any of them had clued in on these feelings in me, and told me to get on my knees before them, I would have been unable to resist!

My kink interests and experience have grown over the years, but some of them just seem to have developed naturally from out of the primary forced feminization fetish. For instance, the interest in strap on dildoes and forced bi.

The interest in strap-on play develops as a natural continuation of the forced fem fetish. Because, after all, if being a kept feminized slave meant that I was unable to escape, how much greater the helplessness and enslavement is if I am forced to act and perform as a female as well. Its all a development and an escalation of the wanting to be kept prisoner (and therefore wanted, desired and secure) part of my psyche.

Forced bi? Also develops naturally, logically even from these same desires. If I am so owned now that my very sexuality is open to whatever my Mistress wishes, it reenforces those mental chains that bind me to her. There has to be that element of force involved, NOT because I need some sort of an 'excuse' to engage in homoerotic activity, but because my insecurity demands I feel wanted and needed and kept as a pretty prisoner and surrendering my sexuality is an extension of that very basic need.

That's why all of the endless back and forth discussion of 'how is forced fem or forced bi really forced' really pisses me off when I see it. Are any other fetishes second guessed and nitpicked this much?? If my fetish was all about being spanked, would I be nitpicked by people saying that, because I consented to and submitted to being spanked, that I wasn't REALLY surrendering control at all?

Its ALL consential activity, or supposed to be, no? And the activity in question--whether it be being dressed as a woman...or made to serve as a pony...or spanked...or whatever the activity happens to actually be that forms one's fetish need, that activity is really only the surface manifestation of the psychological need that particular fetish fulfills. So it doesn't really matter what the fetish actually is, its almost even a kind of side effect.

My needs are to feel wanted and loved and kept secure, your deep needs may be motivated by something else entirely, that other kinkster over there may have the same fetish but different psychological needs than you and I, or a different fetish driven by the same underlying need.

We're all different. Your mileage may vary.

So anyway...that's my kinky psyche as I have come to understand it. As I said in my first entry on this subject, what drives me may and probably is different than what drives you, but hopefully you've been able to relate a little.

Why am I kinky? Why 'forced fem'? (Part 2)

Back to the psychological self-analysis..

I'm not blaming (for lack of a better word) my kinky and perverted nature entirely on my grandmother and my childhood appearance. I think we as people are shaped my the world and our experiences as a whole, and to suppose an immediate cause and effect (ie, my childhood blonde curly hair created my desire to be feminized & enslaved by a woman) is too simplistic and wrong. Its only when you put the pieces of a jigsaw together that they make sense--a piece on its own, isolated from the main picture means nothing.

A big key to my psychology as a whole, not just my kink side, is insecurity. I'm a tad neurotic. Even now, writing this, I feel a small bit of anxiety worrying over if some forum/internet troll will attack me, or, if I will have put all of this time and effort putting myself under the microscope for an interesting and educational piece and no one will read it or give a shit.

Insecurity, low-self esteem, prone to anxieties and depressions. I can coldly and clinically examine my psyche and diagnose myself point by point. Where all of it comes from? I have no idea...like I said previously, I was brought up in a very loving and supportive home. The only real problems in my world came when I was switched from a very sheltered private school where all my classmates were my friends to a rather brutal redneck public school where I suddenly became the nerdy new kid no one liked in the fifth grade. Perhaps all the negative traits stem from there, or perhaps some of it is genetic as mom is rather anxiety-driven as well. I don't know.

How insecurity applies to my kink life is that I feel it is the root need in my psychological profile that kink addresses and fulfills.

My mind had already made the equation that being beautiful equated positive female attention, affection and love. The black hole of being deeply insecure as a person meant that I constantly needed reassurance that I was wanted and desired and loved.

And around this time...before the switch from private to public school actually, I began having this dream.

It was a reoccurring dream, one that I had for several nights. Vivid enough that I remember it to this very day. In the dream, I was kidnapped by a whole gang of giggling girls and taken to this abandoned house. I was overpowered, stripped naked and had all my male clothes thrown away. Then I was dressed up and made up as a girl. This ensured my compliance with their wishes and made sure I would stay a prisoner, because the embarrassment factor of going out in public dressed as a girl meant I could never leave the house, so I was trapped there, forever in the dream.

Then the girls tied me to a chair (doubling down on this whole not letting me get away thing) and took turns kissing me. Just kissing, mind you. I had NO idea what sex was at this age. But the dream made me feel so...tingly. Happy.

This same dream repeated itself several times...and then, several weeks later--almost as if I predicted it--a high school girl on the bus, fed up with my brattyness and smartass remarks threatened to put lipstick on me at the bus stop.

Of course I made a big show of going ohhhhh noooo and running from her as if my life depended on it, but inside a sick sweet thrill was had at the thought of her actually doing it. Of her holding me down helpless and applying lipstick. Outside, I was all "Don't you even!" but inside I was going ohhh yessss please....

The machinery in my head whirred and clicked and came up with the next huge building block in my developing sexuality, really the key to everything that makes me tick as a submissive is that: if a woman goes to all of that trouble to make me her prisoner, to feminize me and put me in bondage to make sure that I cannot escape then she must REALLY REALLY *WANT* me.

This is key, I think. Its *not* about the clothes in and of themselves. Its why I have no desire to dress on my own, and why I do not identify myself as 'trans' anything. Its all about HER. The woman in my fantasies who wants to keep me as her slave, wrapped her little finger forever and ever. It makes me feel sexy, wanted, desired. Deliciously trapped as her pretty pet.

And if I am wanted and desired to that extreme...I have nothing to be insecure about.

More to come...

Why am I kinky? Why 'forced fem'? (Part 1)

Over the years I've spent a good deal of time wondering about why I'm kinky, and why certain things just have always triggered me. The psychology of my own perversions, really. And I'm pretty sure I've figured out the answers, or, at least I'm close.

One big caveat I must make up front in this post is that the observations and generalizations that I make are applicable only to myself. It would be a mistake to apply the same motivations to everyone, even those submissives that share my fetishes and tastes.

Just like its a mistake for those outside of the lifestyle to apply big overreaching explanations to us all. You've heard it all before: Foot fetishists are caused by a parent or sibling stepping on them accidentally as a child, or all crossdressers into forced bi are really just closeted gay men who need an excuse to indulge in what they really want to do. You've seen all kinds of half-baked generalizations like that before I'm sure, both made by people outside the lifestyle as well as (sadly) like-minded armchair psychologists in the lifestyle itself.

I know what applies to me does not apply to everyone. Your own mileage may vary.

So...why am I kinky? It all goes back to childhood, but not back to any life-changing trauma, or abuse, or issues with my parents of any kind of pat easy answer like that. I grew up in a very warm and loving home, with wonderful parents who doted on me. I'm 38 now, so I'm old enough to be part of a generation (perhaps the last generation?) that was raised in a world where it was OK for parents and school officials to 'not spare the rod' and so I received my own fair share of paddlings, even smackings with a belt.

But as I do not have a fetish for any of the corporeal punishment stuff, it seems to have not have had an affect on me at all. As a child, it happened rarely. As a kinky adult, while an over-the-knee spanking does have its appeal I am not a painslut by any means. Instead, I view the application of pain as more of a part of the 'job description' of being a submissive or slave than something I actually actively want or beg for.

I was a beautiful, rather androgynous child the first few years of my life. (Yeah, I know, what happened, right? :P ) My hair was blonde and curly, my features were soft. Looking at old photos of myself pre-kindergarten, you really can't tell gender at all. And oh boy, I got all sorts of approving attention from adult women in those days for it. Touching my hair, saying all sorts of nice things to me, making a fuss. This female approval and attention cannot have NOT had an affect on me.

It also didn't help that during this period in the 70's my grandmother had taken it upon herself to make clothing for me. I don't know if it was for economical reasons or just a hobby, but the end result was a lot of unisex outfits that of course I had to wear. Horrible little unisex pantsuit/jumper things. Which I do NOT have a fetish for, thank you very much. But I think it definitely played a role in how my developing mind saw gender identity. To my young mind, there really was no difference between boys and girls other than girls were prettier and boys enjoyed sports and roughhousing more.

Eventually my features developed more, my hair darkened, my father's genes took hold I guess and the 'beautiful' days were behind me. Which wasn't a disappointment to me at the time: I hated my curls, and I was embarrassed at all the feminine attention. The 'girls have cooties' period in life had begun.

But deep in my subconscious the equation of being beautiful = positive female approval, attention and love had been made.

More to come.

Happy Halloween! :)

Should have posted this hours ago lest the angry mob of Slavegirl Sissy fans outside break down the door, all carrying pitchforks and torches and demanding the return of the ZOMBIE SLAVE! ;)

If you ask your Zombie Slave to fetch you a snack, don't expect him to come back with a salad.

Mistress of Montages

We shot the footage that became our “Sissy Bitch Spanked and Fucked!” video on the night that tia did his own makeup for the first time. Although I’d filmed the makeup-putting-on part of the evening I delayed publishing that bit (Sissy Puts On Her Face) until now because it took a LOT of editing. I spent half a day working on a clip that turned out to be about nine minutes.

“What is it that has to be done that takes so long?” people wonder. Let me try to explain..say I have shot some film of me buggering tia. What that will have involved is me setting up the lights & camera to film from one position, fucking him for a few minutes, then stopping to move the camera to another position. Repeatedly. I like to get multiple angles in and since we don’t generally have the services of a cameraman this is the only way to do it.

After the footage is shot what I’ll have is a collection of bits filmed from different angles, that have to be trimmed down (you don’t need to see me walking back and forth to the camera) and stitched together to form one continuous, and continuously exciting, scene. I put in things like crossfades, or fade-to-blacks, and each and every one of these has to be timed just right. There may be different sound levels that have to be adjusted too. Like if I am holding the camera my voice will be much louder than if it’s on a tripod six feet away. It’s very fiddly work. (Kinda perfect for my aspie nature.) And the more cuts and transitions I need to do, the longer it will take to edit the clip.

I knew that makeup bit would have a LOT of transitions, so I had to wait til I had time enough to work on it. I like to think my post-production skills are decent, and I get really chuffed when tia (who is a film geek) praises my work. And he has been going on about the excellence of my montage-making all morning. I think it was worth waiting for. :)

Bikini party girl Part II. (Mistress's version)

Wednesday October 12th was one of my monthly play parties, and by a brilliant stroke of luck my slave tia was off work and able to attend. I promised him that he would be *thoroughly* used, and so he was.

I started off by dressing her in her new bikini, then warmed her up with a good beating. Then we cooled off in the pool before I led her back to the bunkhouse for her first fuck of the day. The room was dark but I know our audience (i.e. the other guests who happened to be in the room) enjoyed the sight of me banging her. I first took her doggy-style (and had my first orgasm), as she knelt on a low ottoman. Then I fucked her again (and came again) while she lay on her back with her feet up in the stirrups of an antique ob/gyn table.

Afterward I made her fetch a cloth to clean my cock before ordering her to suck it. And then, with her moaning, dazed & begging to be used some more, we went back in the pool. *wickedgrin*

After we came back from dinner (steak and 2-for-1 happy hour drinks) we wandered around chatting for a awhile. I’d dressed tia in a soft robin’s egg blue tshirt, her white, ruffly, sheer panties with the multi-colored dots, and coordinating rainbow striped thigh-socks.* A friend of mine whom I had important business to discuss with showed up, and we were sitting on one of the beds in the bunkhouse talking when it occurred to me that tia would be getting fidgety…and I’d been noting for ages how much she missed having a flesh and blood cock to suck on…and that another friend of mine, an older gentleman who I remembered being fun to play with on previous occasions, was standing right there So I asked him if he’d like to get his dick serviced and when he agreed I ordered tia down on her knees.

This came as a bit of a shock to her. *evilgrin*

But she (good girl!) obeyed, and she got her reward a few minutes later when a new guest – one rather younger and hunkier – showed up. I asked him if he’d like to join in, he gave an enthusiastic yes, and our old friend gracefully passed tia along to the new boy. You can read in her own words how much she enjoyed being used by HunkyGuy; I enjoyed watching so much that I quickly got distracted from my conversation and decided to get some action myself. I invited our older friend over to lick my pussy a bit, and after taking my pleasure rewarded his efforts with some nipple biting. Rather fierce nipple biting in fact, which he seemed to enjoy very much.

My “reset” button pressed I checked to see that tia and her new boy-friend were engrossed in each other, and decided to try and resume my lost conversation. I found my friend outside and we were strolling by the pool a short while later when HunkyGuy came along. I inquired if my sissy slut had pleased him and he assured me she had, with a big smile on his face. I said goodbye to my friend and when tia herself came wandering out a few minutes later I grabbed her leash** and led her back to the bunkhouse to get fucked again.

This time I had her climb up into the leather sling, and bound her ankles to the suspending chains so her legs were kept in the air & spread. The lights were on so the other folks in the room got a much better view. And tia herself had the best view of all, looking up into the huge mirror that’s mounted above the sling. I meant for her to cum (finally) and it’s a good thing, because after just a few minutes of thrusting she completely lost control, and shot her sissy-cream all over her tummy. I scooped up as much of it as I could with my fingers and fed it to her. And that was about the end of the action for the day.

I’d say it was a good party. ;D



*Have I mentioned that I have a THING for sissies in SOCKS?

** And did I forget to mention also the leather pet collar & rope leash she wore all day as I led her around?

'Porn' From the Stone Age, or 'A Young Perv Awakens'

These kids today...ai yi yi, they have it made... *old man voice*

I remember way back when I was a preteen/teenager, wayyy back before this newfangled 'internet' thing made it possible for you to find every variety of smut and porn under the sun, I had to figure out my developing sexuality and get my thrills on my own. No internet, too young to go to adult stores, what's a budding young perv to do?

Obviously as a responsible adult I don't condone underagers looking at porn and if by chance any of you reading these words ARE underage LOG OFF immediately and, I dunno, go watch something wholesome, damnit!

Like watch videos on MTV. Lady Gaga or Rhianna or something. :P

So, anyway...I was young, it was the early 80's, I had all of these urges and thoughts fermenting in my head, what was I to do?

One avenue was stolen porn magazines, or getting into my friend's dad's porn mag stash. He had all kinds of vanilla stuff. Hustlers and some XXX movie mags mostly. Nice to look at really but nothing really memorable. No, the real find for me was the 'letters' style of magazine. Big thick volumes of letters written by so-called 'real readers' that you instinctively knew were bullshit but that didn't matter really. "You wouldn't believe it, but I picked up these hitchhiking Swedish twins in my van and...." That kind of thing.

Many of these magazines were divided up into sections based on an activity or kink. They seemed to have something for everyone, from voyeurism to swinging to interracial encounters to you-name-it. Every couple of pages would be a kind of hot grainy B&W photo that only, with a bit of imagination, tied into the activity that group of letters happened to be about.

I was...mesmerized..by the Femdom section. I'd read the letters over and over again, imagining the action, putting myself in the place of the hapless submissive male who was being overpowered, blackmailed, put into bondage and feminized into permanent captivity to a beautiful Dominant Woman who would keep him her slave and playtoy forever..

To me, it wasn't like I made a conscious decision in my head "Oh that sounds hot, I would like to try that someday". It was more of...an epiphany of sorts. A realization deep in my heart, soul, and loins that this is who I am. Feelings and urges inside of me for years before I had even picked up a porno magazine in my life--things that I didn't understand suddenly had names and identities. I was a submissive male. I was into BDSM. I needed to belong to a Mistress. I now had a vocabulary and a frame of reference for these feelings and needs.

The aches in my body to be used and abused, dominated and enslaved like the men in the stories was so painful it was...delicious.

Now...what to do about it? I wanted...needed...more....

And in those miserable pre-internet Reagan years of youth there was NOTHING else. So I got, quite frankly, pathetic.

There exists in this house today--I have it still, and Mistress has seen it--a VCR tape that I made over many many late nights as a teen of things that just happened to rub me the right way in my 'special place', and I duly recorded and would masturbate furiously to.

This tape wasn't of a single naughty movie or anything like that. It was a total mishmash of movie clips, music videos, *anything* that pushed my buttons. And I DO mean ANYTHING. There was this night on "Friday Night Videos" that had Judy Tenuta doing her 'Love Goddess' shtick with Emo Philips as her devoted servant as guest hosts that I recorded segments of.

And masturbated to. Yes, I was that pathetic as a horny teenager. :P

Other things of note on the 'Tape Of Shame':

Madonna was, obviously, a HUGE turn on for me. I'd watch her videos over and over, freeze-framing on my favorite parts, daydream of being her slave and, of course, masturbate.

My favorite Madonna video:


Oh my god...those fishnets, those fishnets, I would have given the world to kneel before her legs & feet in those fishnets and heels and worshipped them...

Here's another pathetic confession of the 'Tape Of Shame' that I can't find a still image or a video clip of. There's a scene (a SINGLE scene!) in the horrible movie "Superman IV" where the character of Lacy White tries to seduce Clark Kent by laying on top of her desk in a provocative pose, showing off her beautiful legs and high heels, and having him come into her office to 'discover' her like that. I'm not even sure this scene is 20 seconds long: in any event, it must have impressed me, because I recorded it, watched and rewatched it (paused on the shot of her legs & feet of course) and masturbated to it. :P

There's a scene in the Madonna movie "Who's that Girl" where she's changing clothes to pass herself as the high society fiance of the male lead where there is a CLOSEUP of you-guessed-it her feet in fishnet and heels that's on screen all of maybe 3 seconds.

These are VANILLA movies, folks. But damnit, they were MY porn! :P

Thank GOD for late-night Showtime. How many other children of the 80's out there played the "Let's sneak into the living room late at night and watch naughty movies on cable with the volume turned down" game?

Not that any of them were really BDSM movies or even hinted at it...I enjoyed the "Emmanuelle" movies pretty much as they were, with my own mind adding daydreams and fantasies to make them femdom-ish in my head.

(With one exception--Emmanuelle IV--there's a dream sequence where Emmanuelle is beating her former lover across the face with a little flogger until her bows before her, with the dialogue something like "I want to whip you...beat you...you must know who your Mistress is!" Ohhhhh, melllllts....)

But one late night 80's erotic movie stands above all others to my fevered aches and longings, and that would be "Honey" or "Miele di Donna", sadly not available on DVD anywhere it would seem.

“The young, naive Annie enters a hotel to spend the night - without knowing that it's this special kind of hotel, that serves more than breakfast. Curiously she walks around and watches the maids doing their job. She's especially fascinated of a forbidden room, where a silent, strange guy lives.” --from the IMDb

The 'silent strange guy' scene I came across on YouTube HERE and while, yeah, ok, its hot, there's bondage even, it ISNT the scene that was the most erotic thing in the world to me and remained so until I was 18 and could go to a PROPER adult store and buy Femdom mags.

No, the scene that affected me so deeply, that melted my young kinky mind is the one where Annie is sneaking around this hotel, peeking into all of these rooms, seeing all of the erotic or bizarre things going on in all of these rooms. If I remember right, she had just been to the shower and was wearing nothing but a bathrobe, and she was a bit lost and unable to find her room. She stumbles into the room of a total stranger.

She’s discovered by this dominatrix-type stern woman with a cane, who immediately takes control of her and goes off into this roleplaying thing where the dommish woman is a schoolteacher, and Annie is a misbehaving student who has written a naughty letter and must confess her sins. Annie immediately obeys and begins to just roleplay with it, apologizing to the ‘Mother Superior’, disrobing and falling to her knees at the domme’s feet, who then starts to run her cane along Annie’s body, slowly and sensually, promising to get a ‘full confession’ out of her.

I remember this being the most erotic thing to me in the world at that time…not just the domme in the high heels, but more than that, it was…the ease that the Annie character had in immediately falling into submission to this stranger. I mean, here she is, almost naked, vulnerable, caught sneaking around, and she not only obeys this strange other woman, she buys into the whole fictional roleplay thing 100% without missing a beat, casting off her bathrobe and kneeling oh so beautifully on the floor.

I...wanted to BE her...so bad... So beautiful, so feminine..so wanted and desired that total strangers would want to dominate and possess her, and be so free in her sexuality and her ease in her submission that she could just instantly obey and get into it without any hangups or hesitation...

Even now, with all of these years of real life play and naughtiness behind me I still envy Annie that total freedom and sheer abandon in her slavery.

Bikini party girl!

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Making him our BITCH!

Here's a couple of screen shots from our latest video clip..

I've been sitting on this video for ages, nervous about publishing it in case Shy later changed her mind about being in porn. But as she's now started modelling for other sites I feel it's silly to hesitate any longer. So when she's famous, y'all remember you saw here here first, eh? ;-p

Cuckolding: a few thoughts from an outsider

As a fetish goes, cuckolding is one that interests and excites me personally, I must admit. But in a way different than most, if what I see in blogs and on Fetlife is any indication.

Typically in cuckolding stories its all about the dominant wife or GF having sex with another man, and I can see (from the outside) its appeal as far as humiliation, tease and denial, goes. I understand and even share some of these feelings--but 'the act' of cuckolding does not in and of itself 'do it' for me, personally.

For instance, often in cuckolding stories (fiction or otherwise) the wife/GF may just go out with the bull, or exile the submissive husband/BF to his room while the domme and bull have some good 'ol fashion vanilla sex without the sub being involved at all.

While this would produce jealousy in me personally, to some extent, it would also produce...boredom.

No...what truly excites me about cuckolding stories is when the domme and the bull dominate and humiliate the submissive together, especially if feminization is involved. Its exciting to me then--when the submissive is an active and desired participant in the activity, as opposed to exiling the submissive from his own relationship or marriage with the domme, which strikes me as more hurtful.

Its one of the reasons I find the blog "All Mine" so delicious. The sissy submissive husband tammy is very much a part of the proceedings, and the Mistress, the bull, and other playmates all seem to be successfully managing a loving, polygamous lifestyle so well and so HOT than one cannot help but feel a bit envious of their adventures.

Not that my own life isn't without its adventures either! ;) But I do sometimes feel like we hit a number of speedbumps along the way.

(For those of you reading this who do not follow our blog Slavegirl Sissy just know I am an owned, collared slave to my Mistress Lady Erisiana Cherie, who is married to a lovely man (Father Izzy). He is not my 'Master' but has topped me a little, from time to time.)

Anyway...back to cuckolding: as you can see, in my case, it doesn't really apply or fit my own relationship status at all. But the appeal of it lies more in a forced bi interest, to me. The total surrender of oneself to one's Mistress up to and including one's own sexuality and sense of identity...to be owned and used as a slave, period, objectified and effectively genderless to be used by a Mistress or a Master equally....this is what excites me.

That delicious feeling of being OWNED, body and soul, as helpless as a fly in the web of a beautiful Spider Queen...*smiles softly*.

Makes me just want to sink deep into submission and never come back up again...would that I could!

Smart ass penalties, revisited

I've spoken of our system of smart-ass penalties before. I really love making videos of these 'discipline' sessions. For one thing it's a type of scene that just begs for an audience. And I guess I enjoy watching these videos an awful lot. They're among the ones I keep coming back to anyway. *grin*

We made this one months ago, but I never got around to sharing these little samples from it..at least, I don't think I have. If I have done then I hope y'all won't mind seeing them again, lol! Personally I very much enjoyed watching myself bounce on poor tia's head & grind on his face as I revisited this one today..

We haven't had a smart-ass penalty session in a while. And you know what? Even if tia's not past due for it (and I think he is, oh yes I do) I know damn sure *I* am!

Becoming Her bitch

Sometimes during play (although the splitting hairs side of me hates to call it that, because the word doesn't do it justice) things happen between Mistress and I that are just...indescribable. Too powerful, maybe even too personal for words.

In the interest of making my Mistress smile upon reading this, I am going to try.

Last weekend started out as, quite frankly, a bit of a disappointment. We went to Fetish Circuit that Saturday night more out of obligation rather than a desire to go. Neither Mistress or myself cares much for the club scene, where there are too many people, too much noise, and very little actual play going on. :P

So we get to Sunday without really having done anything or had much time together. I was decidedly UN-glamourous that day, not really feminized at all, no makeup, not even bodyshaved. A pink tshirt and matching panties was all I had on, the proper attire for a lazy day with Mistress.

And it was a pretty lazy day, almost vanilla even. But as the evening went on, and as I rubbed her feet and legs with lotion, Mistress decides she wants to use me and takes me back to the bedroom.

She has me crawl in bed beside her to pleasure her breasts with my mouth, has me rub my nipples against hers--just as if I was her girlfriend. At this point I'm aching to please her, be used by her, to do anything at all in the world for her. And she knows it.

"I want to fuck you, sissy slave,." She growls. And I know without even being told that she doesn't mean using my cockette at all.

I lie there on my back, watching her put the strap-on dildo on, feeling this...deep feeling of surrender course through my body. That this is my fate, and I should accept it, surrender to it. I am her fucktoy and plaything, and if it should please her to use me as a girl then I will be her girl, now and forever.

She tells me to stay on my back, has me pull down my panties, spread my legs wide and in the air...omg...she's really going to fuck me like a girl! We've never done this before.

She teases me, rubs the larger strap-on against my smaller cockette as if mocking it, reenforcing the fact that I am not a man anymore (in the usual sense of it) and that i will never experience 'normal' sex as a man ever again. She lubes up and enters me without much difficulty at all...ohhhhh goddd.....

And it feels amazing. To be taken by Mistress, I felt swept away in the feelings of submission and...a kind of deep mental feminization, and the incredible physical sensation of her fucking me, my cockette rubbing between us.

I melted under the physical and mental feelings, I wanted nothing more than to be fucked like that by her forever. If she had demanded it I would have agreed with all my body, heart and soul to surrender my cockette to permanent chastity in exchange to only having my sexual pleasure given at the end of her dildo. I felt myself wanting to cum...cum from being fucked in the ass! And it took effort not to let myself go when all I wanted was to just give into the sheer animal inside me, and cum all over the place. I wanted her to rape me...and moved my wrists underneath her hands for her to hold down..

Oh my...

It was beautiful.

I have been daydreaming of it all week. When we were finished, my legs were all rubbery and trembling. It was one of the most intense submissive experiences I had ever had and I ache so badly for more.

And oh god I want more. I want Mistress to take me down the road to deeper submission, enslave me, feminize me, push my limits of pain & humiliation for her pleasure, to kneel at her feet and surrender my body, heart & soul to her.

So....*blushes* that's what today's picture post is all about...its not from the evening I've been describing (Its from the night Mistress and I made the "Blonde Sissy beauty gets FUCKED!" video) but it definitely gives a sense of the...intensity of it.

I am Her bitch, and its all I ever want to be.

Submission: its not always easy

I'm fully aware, believe me, of how fortunate I am to be the collared sissy slave to Mistress Erisiana Cherie. I live a life that sometimes resembles a porn movie, or a piece of sissy fiction. I serve (occasionally) her husband; am toyed with and teased by his submissive girl; attend rather naughty play parties and go to dungeons and clubs. I've had experiences I never, ever in my wildest dreams that I thought would ever come true.

But submission is not always like a porn movie. Sometimes its hard, difficult, frustrating (in the bad sense). Sometimes there are arguments, misunderstandings. Sometimes real life just gets in the way.

I find myself slightly suspicious when I see blog/forum entries that's basically describe a 24/7 porn movie BDSM lifestyle where everyone seems to be in everyone else's pants all the time. No one seems to have job or child responsibilities, or ever seems get tired, ill, or just not in the mood.

Kind of like how you almost never see characters on tv or movies go to the bathroom. :P

And yet, I myself have a life that others may disbelieve as well. Which I really wouldn't blame them--sometimes I don't believe it myself!

But there are times *I* am 'not in the mood', emotionally or physically. And at times like this...submission is hard. I'm not in the headspace I should be in, I'm not serving my Mistress as well as I could, as well as she deserves.

Such a time happened just the other night.

I was out of town, on business, all alone in a cheap hotel without even a working tv set. I don't want to say what I do for a living, but just know that its on the very low end of a blue collar job, it doesn't pay the greatest, the hours are long and physically demanding. It sometimes involves getting up long before dawn to drive a hundred miles away or more, working a long tiring day, driving back to catch a few hours sleep before doing it all over again.

Mistress knows this, and understands this. She is so loving and generous in heart and patience. But sometimes she makes a point of establishing her control of me when she knows it isn't easy for me. Indeed, that's more than likely why she does it. But knowing that doesn't exactly make it easy at the time.

So I was out of town, kind of worn out from the day. I had thought about having a relaxing swim in the hotel pool, then doing a bit of reading before calling it a night. I was missing Mistress...I always miss her during my workweeks, and being so far out of town only made it worse. I wrote her a email on my phone, then stripped naked and took a photo of myself, kneeling and kissing my necklace-collar to send to her as a surprise, because I knew she was missing me as well.

She enjoyed the photo and appreciated the gesture. A little too much, because it was then an evil little lightbulb went off in her head and she decided on the spot to do some long distance training via text messages.

Its here that I might lose some of you reading this, particularly unattached submissives who might think me crazy or ungrateful for not fully appreciating Mistress taking the time to toy with me. All I can say is that this is real life, its a real relationship, and I think its unrealistic if not impossible to expect two people in that relationship to be always raring to go, 24/7.

Mistress ordered me to look through the phone book for any adult stores or adult theaters in the area. "Oh God," I thought. "Please Mistress, no..I am so tired and I don't like where this is going..please don't send me out to some strange porn store to do God-knows-what when I'm out here on company business. Suppose I'm caught? Suppose I'm fired?"

All the raced through my mind but I obeyed, on my knees in the hotel room going through the phone book, wearing only my pink panties and a towel that she had me wrap around my chest--like a woman might to cover her breasts after a shower.

She had me edge twice while looking for listings, to 'put your mind in the proper place'.

I was more than a bit relieved to tell her, truthfully, that there were no adult listings. Apparently that part of central Florida is in the ultra-religious anti-adult-anything part of the state, where consenting adults making perfectly legal adult movies of themselves can be arrested by police with apparently nothing better else to do.

NOT the best place in the world to be going out and doing naughty stuff to begin with, let alone when one is there on business! :P

Mistress seemed to accept this, although via the internet, she did find some adult strip club 50 miles away from me. No please no. She then asked if there was a Walgreens or something near me. Yes Mistress, I admitted, (not liking where this was going either), there is a Walgreens near me.

"Then, my little chickenshit sissy, BEG ME to be allowed to go buy some sissy supplies--some lipgloss, pantyhose, condoms & lube--INSTEAD of being forced to go to a porn store to expose yourself like the sissy you really are!"

I cringed. I didn't like this idea either. In fact, while safer for me it would also be more embarrassing--being outted as a perv out and about among vanilla people.

I knew I would have no choice but to obey. The hour was growing later and later...it was already too late for a swim; I knew I would have to get to bed early to get up the next day, the longer I resisted the inevitable or tried to beg my way out of it the longer it would take. I felt her will break me down, felt that evil smile on her face.

Yes Mistress.

I dressed quickly, my mind all abuzz with conflicting thoughts and feelings--arousal at her dominance and humiliation of me, annoyance, aggravation, and even a flash of anger at her horrible (in my opinion at the time) sense of timing--fucking with me a hundred miles away when I knew that she knew I was so tired and not wanting to play.

I got to the store, it was just a minute or two away. texted her that I was about to be outted as a pervert for her amusement, then went in.

I was so nervous and jittery...I *really* do not like public exposure at all, and I knew, damnit, that this would only attract MORE attention to myself. I furtively darted aisle to aisle in the cosmetics section. A woman employee WOULD be organizing the lipstick section at that moment, of course. :P Just my luck.

I agonized over what to do for several minutes...I couldn't tell what was lipgloss and what was lipstick from the next aisle over, and its not like I have a whole lot of experience shopping in the makeup section to start with.

I lucked out, as behind me in a whole section on its on was some Burt's Bees lipgloss. (Although I'm not sure if it counted, as it seems to be more of a lip BALM) Ignorance is bliss and a reasonable defense, I decided, and grabbed the tube of lip-something and continued my quest to embarrass myself.

I was angry by this point and more than a little rebellious. Despite my pleas, Mistress would not help me by telling me where to find lipgloss, what size of pantyhose to get. I was NOT going to buy lube, I decided. I grabbed lubed condoms instead. Two birds with one stone.

The pantyhose. Ah hell.

A quick peek around the corner told me that the woman employee was kind of involved in what she was doing down the aisle by the lipsticks: I *should* be safe enough to dash forward and grab a box of pantyhose without attracting too much attention. What size? What color? ARRRGH.....

Fuck it. I darted forward and grabbed the first box I saw that said 4X. I wasn't sure if it would fit (it was a bit tight later) but I'm not about to be caught browsing different pairs of pantyhose.

Now the checkout line. 'Damn you', I messaged to my gleeful Mistress.

I got through the line, cute perky checkout girl and all, and with a 'Have a good night Sir!' ringing in my ears I was out the door!

And a nervous wreck by this point. :P

Nervous and fuming with anger, I managed to drive PAST my hotel and had to do a u-turn and then another u-turn on the divided road to get back, half-convinced I would get in some sort of accident at the way my luck was going.

I make it back to my room and tell her that I have succeeded, Oh Vile One.

She has me strip and put the pantyhose and lipgloss on, then has me kneel on my bed and suck on the end of my hairbrush as if it were a real cock.

*bright blush* Ok, I admit it, the anger had faded by this point. I had fallen into her spell as she KNEW I would. I was turned on and ready to obey, wanting to please her.

Eventually she had me rip the pantyhose apart, front and back, and fuck my ass with the brush while humping the bed until I came in my panties. I used a lubed condom on the brush and thrust it in and out a little bit, not exactly enthusiastically.

And when it was done I was finally given permission to go to bed, spending the night in my soiled panties.

The point of all of this rambling--other than to hopefully entertain and amuse Mistress when she reads this--is really just to illustrate real-life submission as opposed to porno movie submission. Its not always easy, and can be aggravating at times when it conflicts with real life demands. It can, and has been, emotionally painful on occasion (which I doubt I will ever talk about here).

I'm pretty sure she KNEW I wasn't in the mood, could tell my resistance a hundred miles away. She can read me like a book, from the workings of my crazed neurotic little mind to the depths of my heart.

She knew I would obey her in spite of it all. That's why she did it, to let me feel owned by her, to feel her foot on the back of my neck from the other side of the state.

And I love her for it.

She knew that as well.

Damn her. *soft smile*

Revelations in subspace, or, "How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Being a Pornslut"

First, the backstory:

Its been an intense week in my submissive life.

On Sunday I was used. Really used. Used like a submissive like me dreams of: I was repeatedly, roughly, and aggressively used and fucked by Mistress in *every* possible way and was not allowed to cum at all. Which didn't even matter to me, really. Physical frustration ebbs and fades away once the teasing and arousal stops and becomes more manageable. But the joy of pleasing my Mistress over and over again? The wonderful submissive feelings of being helpless before Her, and put in my place?

That's what its all about. My God, She was so beautiful...so fierce and aggressive. A true Goddess in every sense of the word. Takes my breath away.

So...that was the start of my week...then I had a few unpleasant workdays, back in the so-called 'real world'. I was relaxing on the couch after such a workday on Wed night when Mistress and shygirl (Mistress's husband's subbie girl, for those of you who do not follow our blog and may be confused by all the polyamorous twists & turns :p) unexpectedly come through the door to surprise me!

In no short order I was told I was going to be used by both of them that night (!) and, in shygirl's exact words, "Just let it happen!". I was told to strip down to my panties and put something sexy on. I chose a sexy teal satin nightie and joined them in our 'studio' room. There Mistress directed shy to sit on my face for a little while before both of them put strapon dildos on, sandwiching me between them at first, but before long Mistress just sat back and directed shy as she fucked me, eventually coming to an apparently powerful orgasm (her first orgasm ever while fucking someone with a strapon!), grinding into me and smacking my ass as she came.

Then Mistress took HER turn. With the larger dildo!

I should also mention at this point that Mistress filmed all of this...she does this for a number of hot scenes in our lives--its not just for business, however. Its also an ongoing record of my submission to her. And it does add spice....sometimes (more on this later).

Of course, I was *still* not permitted to cum. :P

So then we get to last night (Fri), the point of all of this sexy rambling (and no its NOT just 'wank fodder' you would-be Fetlife forum troll/overzealous anal retentive moderator-type person, if persons of such type be reading this...)

(doubtful, those kind of people usually just skim a little before making some sort of quick narrow minded judgement or snarky comment and don't really READ anything :P)

I digress: I've just become very jaded & cynical about forum/blog behavior these days.

Anyway, back to last night: Mistress feminizes me--the whole 9 yards this time, something we don't do that often in our everyday lives due to time constraints and such. It DOES make it more special when she does it as a result.

She administered an enema (*blush*) and had me bodyshave, then pick my own outfit for the evening "as if you were dressing to please your BOY-friend" she teased. I picked a pink satin nightie, a cute pair of matching panties, thigh high white stockings and my heels. Mistress then did my makeup and put me in my blonde wig.

Each step of this process I'm drifting off into subspace...my psyche (for reasons I'll delve into some other time) equates feminization with being kept prisoner. Therefore its bondage to me. The more involved, the more helpless and kept and submissive I feel.

So I'm already getting deep into subspace before she does anything with me...I'm begging her to be allowed to please her, in any way she wishes.

I'm begging to be put on video for her.

No, this isn't topping from the bottom or begging for something I want for my own sake, even if (as I said earlier) it does add some sexy spice. I'm embarrassed by my photos and videos, and don't think I'm all that attractive in either my male or feminine personas.

I'm begging for it because I know deep down in my heart that this is what will please Mistress the most.

After 2 1/2 years of being this wonderful Woman's slave, and loving her with all of my heart, I've come to read her moods. Try to predict her needs, as best I can, and last night I knew Mistress was feeling the driving need to work. She is a Professional as well as a Lifestyle Mistress, and this IS her work. Its summertime, and thus with no school she's on full time mommy duty and I know the frustrations of not being able to work eats away at her inside. That pressure is increased by the never-ending money worries that are ever present for those of us who are just barely keeping our heads above water.

She needed to work and me, deep in subspace, I read that need and wanted to satisfy it. I felt a deep...giving of myself in the offer, to be filmed and humiliated and frustrated. I felt a pure sense of purpose, and the sheer desire in my heart and soul to please this Woman, my Mistress, my Goddess--was overwhelming, outweighing my personal needs and feelings and frustrations.

And I'll let you now in on a little secret about making porn...its not all fun and games. Sometimes--like the night Mistress spontaneously filmed her and shy taking turns on me with strapons--the camera is a natural part of the scene, and does not distract from the headspaces Mistress and I are in. It feels natural, organic, even erotic--it becomes a tool of humiliation for Mistress to use, just another sexy weapon in her arsenal to use.

Sometimes the camera--and all of the fucking around with the camera, trying to get angles, trying to get everything in the frame, messing around with the lights, sometimes the camera SERIOUSLY detracts from the scene. And in the past sometimes I'd get more than a little frustrated (in the bad sense) at all of the distractions, especially if Mistress was feeling frustrated (also in the bad sense) juggling being an erotic filmmaker and my Mistress at the same time. I'd obey, of course--its not like I can say no, can I?--but I'd come away from the scene feeling a little peevish sometimes.

But last night, deep in subspace, I felt something click in my mind and I came to a revelation, an epiphany of sorts. Something you and others reading this may think should have been obvious all along but in my head I had never really made
the connection:

That being, "Dumb-ass, this isn't all about YOU."

I mean, I'm not an idiot. I'm not a 'top from the bottom' or a 'do-me' kind of so-called submissive at all. I have always wanted to serve and please my dominant, I've been active and kinky for years before ever meeting Mistress, and have found deep satisfaction and even joy in serving...the giving of myself, out of love and obedience.

But when it came to Mistress's pornmaking--I couldn't see the forest for the trees. When she would get frustrated with the camera or something and stopping in the middle of doing something sexy with me--strapons, facesitting, whatever it was we were doing at the time--the ACT itself we were doing at the time was NOT what I as her slave was truly doing as an act of obedience, the truly obedient thing to do--the giving of myself was to recognize and satisfy Mistress's REAL NEED--her need for a smooth shoot.

IE, if Mistress is filming me licking her pussy for the camera, her need ISN'T actually having her pussy licked at all. Her need is for me to perform for the camera, and, more importantly, to soothe jangled nerves and frustrations and keep her 'in the moment'.

Me, being somewhat of an idiot and highly distracted by said pussy in question would confuse my real duties as her slave and be annoyed that the camera stuff was intruding upon my oral service, or whatever I was doing at the time.

Obvious, no? Perhaps it should have been. But it was a revelation to me all the same, and a testament to how far I've come, how much I've grown as a submissive to better serve Mistress's needs--both the said and unsaid ones.

The connection burned itself into my head--that I must learn, am learning to recognize Mistress's needs & motivations.

To truly serve Her.